Understanding When to date and Whom PT 16

Hello, thank you for sticking around all this while. I assure you, we are making progress. I have been gratified by some comments from some readers who have benefited from this series. I have also received encouraging words from some people I didn’t even realize were reading up. One such pleasant surprise is my Elderly Aunt in Asaba. Thank you, Aunty for your encouragement. Another is someone I call my Barrister-in-law whose traditional wedding to my youngest brother is taking place this weekend. I trust God to give you guys the best. Congrats.

Now, let’s get back on point.



Yesterday, a thought dropped in my heart and it has formed the core of today’s post – The transition.

One of the cutest things we remember about babies, apart from their cuddliness, is when they start copying actions and words of those around them. It’s called learning by socialization. It’s how children learn native language, culture, customs and basically everything else. Right or wrong, they will copy it and do it just because they saw someone else do it. So largely, they do what they do because it’s what they see others do.

As cute as that is sometimes, we expect that as the child grows up, he begins to find his own personality and begins to choose what to do based on that self discovery and awareness. He begins to consider the why behind instructions and group behaviour and at some point, usually in the teenage years, individualization becomes so fierce that it becomes difficult to control this person. As difficult as this transition is for many people and their families, it is a necessary part of normal development of the persons soul else we would all end up as copies of one another – drones on a bland monotonous planet.

Anyway, it is also expected that an adult would have completed this transition from cute copy cat through the fierce freedom fighter to the point of balance where copying is still a part of learning and learning is focused on what the person chooses he wants to learn. This is part of what makes a person a free moral agent.

If you are driven to acquire something or dress somehow or be someplace just because others are doing them, you are still a baby. If what you have is no longer appealing to you because you see it’s no longer trending, you’re still a baby. If you’re afraid to go against popular opinion just because it’s the popular opinion, you’re still a baby and you’re not ready for a relationship where your personal insight and understanding is a major factor for success.

On the other hand, if the reason you do things is just to be different, oppose popular views and just generally refuse to comply with rules and instructions whether right or wrong, you have the psychological profile of a teenager. If you only value yourself based on how different you are from other people, what you have loses its appeal once you find someone else has it, then you’re still fighting for independence and it means you’re still a teenager at heart. A successful relationship is also dependent on how well you can get along and it sometimes means giving up your position, though right, just to maintain a healthy connection with someone.

So, point #4 is that if you, or your proposed spouse, have not arrived at that point of balance where you know who you are and your actions are determined by you and you alone, considering factors that you choose to consider, then you are not ready. Take the needed time to find that balance between diligent learning and confident self awareness. If you go on through life without these basic tools, you’re sure to be frustrated because you can never keep up with everyone and you will always be discontent rebellious.


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