Q &A with Dr Linda

Question

My spouse can say sorry a zillion times. He is always going wrong and sometimes his sorry doesn’t go down well with me. I don’t wanna turn mysef to an ancestor. How do I handle this to limit the sorries I get.

Answer.

First and foremost, for your husband to apologise to you gives me the impression that he doesn’t like offending you and he wants to always make things right so he keeps saying sorry in order for you not to be mad at him constantly.

Secondly, the zillion sorries you are getting may just mean that you find it difficult to easily forgive and let things go so he has to say sorry several times just to appease you or he believes that many sorries, will make you forgive and forget.

Another thing to consider is that if he is always going against standard human or spiritual laws which help us choose good from bad, then there is a problem. It is either he doesn’t care about these laws (which I doubt because he won’t come back to apologise if he didn’t care) or he is ignorant of them hence he keeps breaking them. If the problem is ignorance, then what he needs is to be educated. You could help with that.

If he thinks he can break any rule and sorry is the quick fix, then you have a lot of work and praying to do.

On the other hand, if it is your personal laws that he always transgresses, since you say he is always going wrong, then there is the possibility that your standards for good behaviour are too high.

It is also possible that your expectations are not realistic. Your nerves are sticking so far out that he keeps stepping on your toes.

You may just be a perfectionist who want everything to be exactly the way YOU want them to be.

Shirts must be hung like this, toothpaste must be used like this, spoons must be kept like this, toilet must be flushed like this, slippers must be positioned like this, pots must be washed like this, you must smile like this, talk like this, respond like this … if this is how you are, even Jesus will offend you. If you meet someone like you, you won’t be able to live with the person.

It is impossible not to break your rules regularly.

If this is really the issue then I advise that you RELAX. Give your husband some breathing space. Relax the rules and let him be himself instead of a robot you are trying to transform him into, which you are obviously not succeeding at.

Let him put his leg on the centre table once in a while and relax. You will see that the offences will reduce and so will the zillion sorries. Both of you will then have time to enjoy each other instead of fighting the battles of offences and sorries.

Q & A with Dr Linda

Question

Regarding the past, is one obliged to tell his fiance every relationship one had had in the past, both good and bad?

Answer

The answer is no.

The only relationship that your fiance should know about is the ones that directly affect him i.e. those that have altered you emotionally or physically.

I do not mean that you should give the full details of the past relationships.

You are not trying to hide your past per se, but let him understand and know what he is getting and also the baggage you are bringing in with you.

For example, if you have lost your virginity or damaged your reproductive system, he should be aware.

It is the outcome of those relationships and how they directly affect him and not the number of guys you have dated and the number you slept with.

Your fiance will not benefit from gist of your past relationships. The good ones will only make him jealous and if I may ask, if they were good, why did you leave them?

If your past has been bad, tell him and of course also tell him about how you have moved from that kind of life.

Remember that lies will only last for a while.

Do not do this at the beginning of the relationship but when you are sure the person can handle it and, of course, not after formal introduction or few days to the wedding else it would appear as an attempt to set him up or corner him. He will need time to process the information. Make sure you are considerate enough to give him that.

If you speak the truth and he decides to leave, then he is not meant for you.

Just know that not every man can handle your past, just as not every man can handle your future. Pray then that God will send you one who can love you in spite of your past.

One Jesus and two kids

Remember that 2014 movie based on a true life story of a boy who died, went to heaven and was restored to life at the age of 4? It was titled Heaven is for Real.

In that movie, an effort was made by his parents to identify the face of Jesus from several pictures and paintings.

The little boy had tried to describe the Jesus he saw but it was when he saw the painting of Jesus by another child that he affirmed what Jesus looked like while he was in heaven. The painting was titled “The Prince of Peace”.

The amazing experience of Colton Burpo is corroborated by the equally amazing experience and artistic talent of Akiane Kramarik. At age 13 Akiane was already very successful financially and as an artist.

She is a lot older now and recently released a video of her journey to paint the impossible. You should watch it:

If you haven’t seen the movie Heaven is for Real, please search it out gather your family and watch it.

Q & A with Dr Linda

Question

What will you do if your partner always accuse you of lying and you always tell the truth with no lie?

Answer:

If you are always telling the truth and your partner does not believe you, then there is a problem. A relationship without trust is like a building without a foundation, it will surely collapse.

Two things come to my mind.

It is either you have broken trust in the past and your partner does not believe you anymore so that no matter what you do now, the lie is hanging over your head.

It is easier and faster to destroy than to build.

What you must do is try to first apologise for the lie(s) then take deliberate steps to prove that you have changed and that the lie is in the past. You also have to be patient because it is not automatic. Building is always tedious and time consuming.

You will also get hurt in the process because you will experience first hand how the lie has damaged the person.

On the other hand, the person may have been hurt in the past by someone else. Remember the pitfall of the past discussed previously. In this case, the problem is not you but your partner and the experience.

The lack of trust here is just for self preservation.

What you have to do is pray for the person, then use love as a weapon to break down the wall. It will also take time with a lot of patience.

Wedding Knight

Q:

I am a young man who loves God and i have faithfully kept my body for my intending wife. I have no experience in that area. I don’t also want to go online to watch porn. I really don’t want to disappoint her on our wedding night. So what do you advice me to do?

A:

Valid concern. I commend your life of chastity and for the sense to avoid pornography. I have a friend who is a sex counsellor and she helps couples having problems in this areas. She pointed out something that should be obvious to us but we forget. Porn movies are performed by actors paid to create the impression that sex in a certain way or style or whatever is so mind blowing. The repercussion is that people who watch them will never be sexually satisfied because they are not getting it quite like those guys on TV.

Watching pornography to learn how to have sex is setting exam for yourself by yourself which you will still fail miserably.

Now, wedding night. The big deal about the wedding night is not because some special magic will happen to you. Sex on the wedding night is the same as every other night after that. The only difference is that it’s the first time you will experience such.

That right there is the issue – The first time. If the woman you marry has also never been sexually active, I am sure she will have the same anxiety as you’re having. Both of you need to calm down and also calm each other down.

Who taught Adam and Eve what to do and how to do it?

The instinct has been programmed into your body, just go with it. It might be slow at first but you’ll eventually get a hang of it.

Ask anyone, sex in marriage gets better as the couple progresses. It’s a journey, an adventure of discovery you take together. Whatever happens between you and your bride on your wedding night, like every other thing, is between both of you and it’s up to you to make of it what you decide together. If you guys take it to be a disastrous big deal, so it will be. If you take it to be fun adventure with a clumsy start, so it will be.

As you draw close to your wedding date, I counsel about a month to, bring up sex as a topic. Let her know that you intend to please her sexually but she should also bear with you as it would be your first time. If she is wise, she will realise that marriage is beyond sex and she will accommodate you. It would be easier for her to support you if you have been supportive of her before now.

There are godly books about sex. You could pick to read a short while before your wedding or even together during your honeymoon as you both learn to please each other.

I do not counsel bringing up sex earlier than a month to your because once you open the can on sex by talking about it, the pressure to get sexual in your relationship becomes astronomical for most people and many don’t escape it. But close to your wedding, you’re surrounded by people and your mind is occupied with wedding plans you have very little time to dwell on the thoughts so it helps.
There is a first time for everything, only God gets everything right the very first time.

Relax.

Q & A with Dr Linda

Question

In communication, if you are trying to bring about mutual communication but it doesn’t work, he’s always quiet or slow in response, what can be done.

Answer

:

One thing you should realise is that people are different. Some are introverts while others are extroverts and out going.
There are people that are naturally quiet and will rather sit down,study their environment and do a lot of thinking than talking. They feel very comfortable with being quiet.
Some also are actually very shy.
Secondly, when it comes to temperament, opposite attract.
An introvert will fall in love with someone who is outgoing and all over the place and vice versa.
The introvert may not talk much but will always enjoy watching the extrovert because she completes him.
The way to engage a person that doesn’t really talk much is first be patient, then look for something or someone of interest that the person likes talking about or watching. Learn about it and use it as a ground to start a conversation. It will take some time but the person will gradually warm up to you and make you part of his comfortable environment.
For example, if he likes football, you will be shocked how that quiet guy reacts when he is watching his favourite club play or if he likes politics,you will think he is a different person altogether when he is arguing about it.
The reason mutual conversation is not working maybe because you are always talking about what interests you that he cares little about some you get monosyllabules for answers.
Don’t forget that what interests men may be completely different from what interests ladies.
If you sit down talking to a guy about shopping, you will frustrate yourself but try and talk about purchasing modern cars or modern electronic devices , you will not believe the response. The same principle applies to a lady.
Another difference again about men and women again is communication style.
A man’s communication style is about the end result eg. How was your day? His answer is simple,fine.
For a woman,it is about the process. Ask her the same question, she will start from when she got up from her bed to what happened in the park , to the office, the market till she got to the house.
Both parties have to understand this difference and with patience help the other understand their communication needs.

Q & A with Dr Linda

Question

How can someone be sure that this person is the will of God for him?

Answer:

Knowing the will of God concerning anything is simple. Just ask him.

The issue is actually not how to know His will but being able to hear Him speak to you what His will is.

Psalm 103:7 He made his ways known unto Moses and his acts unto the children of Israel.

His way is how he wants things to be done which also means His will.

Moses got access to His ways/will but the rest of the children of Israel could only see what God could do.

The difference was relationship .

Moses spoke to God face to face whereas when the children of isreal were invited to meet with God, they ran away .

Numbers 12 :7, 8a My servant Moses is not so,who is faithful in all mine house. With him will I speak mouth to mouth even apparently, and not in dark speeches; and the similitude of the Lord shall he behold…

It was easy for Moses to know the will of God because he was close to God. He spent time with Him and came back with his face shinning.

If you want to know what God’s will is concerning your life including your choice of spouse, all you have to do is cultivate a close relationship with him. In that way, when he speaks, you will hear him.

The problem of Christians is not the ability to hear God because Jesus said my sheep hear my voice. You have the ability to hear God . The only problem is the sensitivity to hear Him when He speaks.

You sharpen your sensitivity to hear Him by communing with Him by His word and prayer.

When this is in place, and you ask Him if he or she is the one, you will be sensitive enough to hear the answer.

Relationship Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them. PT 11

I have been talking about some of these pitfalls and what we can do to prevent them from occurring. This is the last on my list which is by no means exhaustive.

Unrealistic expectations.

Everyone has a picture of the ideal relationship especially those drawn from movies and romance novels. Please, note that most of those are make believe, they do not exist because people are not perfect. Not every guy is tall dark and handsome with 6 packs. Not all ladies have the perfect shape in the soap opera you watch. Do not make unrealistic demands on him or her.

Anytime you call, he must answer and chat with you for 30 mins. What if he is at work? He should leave his job and chat with you? When he gets fired, we will see how romantic that can be.

She is dating you so must not greet any other guy else, she is cheating. Please, reconsider.

How do I avoid this?

First, realize the world does not revolve around you. You are one out of the billions of people in the world so try to also consider other people. Give others the benefit of a doubt especially the one you are dating. Give the person space to breathe and be understanding.

In conclusion, I will say that it is possible to have a relationship that is free from all these baggage and problems if we decide to be honest with ourselves and the ones we are dating and do what we need to do to clear the debris from our path.

It is God’s desire that you enjoy your relationship because that is what really gives him joy and brings glory to his name.

You’re blessed.

… Continues as “Q & A with Dr Linda”

See Part 10: https://pdlionunlimited.wordpress.com/?p=1913

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Dr Linda Oyanna is a public speaker on health, relationship, marriage and family. She is a mother figure, mentor and role model for several young ladies who desire the balance she has been able to achieve among her many roles.