Managing Jealousy

Question:

Sir, a friend of mine asked me how he should go about this, at the start of the relationship the lady will always yield to what he says but after they been in relationship for a while she begins to tell him that he is making her not to be a real person. Though faithful, he hates seeing her relating to guys and it’s causing lots of issues. Right now, she wants to end it with him.

What should he do?

Answer:

Ok.

I don’t know if it’s too late to try to save this relationship but well …

Your guy has been jealous up to the point of being possessive of his girlfriend. If she is not allowed to relate with other guys simply because they are guys, then what will happen to her when they get married? Would he be able to tolerate other men even looking at her as she goes about her life? (Men cannot help looking at women; it doesn’t have to be lustful looking). Would he let her go to the market? Would he be able to deal with the thought of her going to work and having a career? She would basically be a prisoner.

If it’s that she knows they want her and she’s just enjoying their attention and flirting with other guys, that would be a different story and I would advise your friend to let her go. It would probably mean she has always been flirtatious and your friend got carried away by her charm and now that they are dating, he wants to forcefully modify her lifestyle. That won’t work.

But if she is not the flirtatious type and is being caged now and feels that she is forced to abandon friends and so on, then she is right, she has to leave him.

Your friend has to uunderstand that since they are not yet married, there is a limit to what he can say concerning her life. He has no rights over her yet.

Quite truly we all feel somehow when we see our girl with another guy but this shouldn’t go beyond the very initial stages of your relationship.

I say it this way because the feelings we have are automated responses; we often weren’t prepared for them or probably didn’t expect them to be so intense up to the point of controlling our behaviour.

But then, you should get a hold of yourself. The fact that you feel something doesn’t mean you must act on it. If you feel like urinating and you’re at that time in a board meeting, would you just relieve yourself right there? No. You know it is uncivilized to do so. So you subdue the feeling, starve it till you regain control. Then you find the civilized way to deal with the issue.

Same with this feeling of jealousy. You should starve it by not acting on it until it no longer controls you so that you can objectively look at the situation and come to realization of the facts to which you may now respond with civility.

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