Stood up

Question:

In a situation where someone says he loves you and wants you but you’ve been friends for so long and the next reasonable step is commitment towards marriage, yet he keeps saying he has some fears that are holding him back from such a commitment.

What is the way forward?

Stood up lady

 

ANSWER:

Well enter I think the way forward would be to understand what his fears are and based on what you find you might decide to help him overcome such fears, if that is reasonably possible or pull back from the relationship altogether.

James 1:6 – 8  … he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man [is] unstable in all his ways.

You see the bible says a double minded man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord because the man is unstable in all his ways. Look at this guy, are there other aspects of his life where he seems unstable? If that is so, then understand that his issues go beyond the matter of this relationship and extend into the core of his being and therefore will always show up in his life in many ways. Would you want to be dealing with such a person for the rest of your life? I don’t think you should.

As long as he remains unstable or undecided, his present status would not be described as positive but rather negative. What I mean by that is that until he takes the step to commit to you, he is still available to other people and his civil state will continually be described as single. Holding onto you while he’s trying to make up his mind, with no visible effort being made on his part to overcome or deal with what those concerns are, I think it’s childish and perhaps even selfish.

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If you actually want him, you should sit him down get him to tell you what those fears are. If those fears emanate from something you do or something from your family that he needs information and clarity about, provide them and let him decide what to do with it.

I am not advocating that you rush him but he needs to know that he is taking up your time and emotional space. In my book titled To Date Or Not To Date, I referred to it as steric hindrance. This is a scientific term that describes a situation where two molecules with the potential to react way are in the same environment yet fail to react because of the way they position themselves relative to each other. They interlock but they do not react. Furthermore, because they are interlocked with each other, they neither one of them can react with other molecules that are nearby. You could get to read the book for a clearer understanding of the term but bottom line is as long as he is seen to be a factor in your life you others who are looking at both of you from the outside would think you guys are committed to each other. Decent guys will not approach you because they think you are already taken. So this is a bad thing generally speaking.

Well, as per pulling away, the way I see it, I don’t think there’s any relationship at all to breakup. I always counsel that there is no romantic relationship until somebody categorically states that he wants that kind of relationship with you and you categorically accept the proposal and agree to the relationship. So as far as your situation is concerned there really is no relationship going on at all. The two of you are just friends … period.

Unfortunately, being people that we are, once you hang around someone long enough, you start developing emotional connections and then a feeling that a relationship has commenced develops. That is no relationship at all, the only relationship there is that of friendship. Understand that there is no romantic relationship by assumption. You cannot take proximity as the license to declare yourself in a relationship … no.

In the bible, God brought several animals to Adam to name one of them as a companion. Brother Adam named them but chose none of them to be his companion. Then God made Eve and brought her to Adam the same way he brought the other animals. When Adam saw Eve, he named her and then chose her to be his companion (Gen 2:18-25). So, until this guy does the same thing with you, you guys are not in a relationship … at least not a romantic one, you are just good friends.

So if you want to be nice you can let him know that you are interested in dating someone because you are thinking of settling down in marriage. So, if he wants you he should decide and take appropriate action so that you do not end up waiting for something that is not giving you any indication of coming.

If he doesn’t give you a concrete reason to stay, walk away.

 

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