Relationship pitfalls and how to avoid them. Part 4

By Dr Linda Oyanna

Continued from Pt 3

I am talking about some of these pitfalls and what we can do to prevent them from occurring.
3. Finance

Some people have come to believe that once you are in a relationship, the other person automatically becomes responsible for your upkeep. This is so so wrong.

Until both of you walk to the altar, he or she is not responsible for you financially, he is not your father neither is she your mother. Your parents and yourself are responsible for you.

Do not burden the person with money for rent, school fees, recharge card, money to send to your parents, money to do business etc. It is inappropriate for your siblings or parents to call the person for money or recharge card etc.

He or she is not your ATM or savings account.

When a relationship is run like this, it stops being a romantic relationship and becomes a business transaction or employer-employee relationship.

You will make demands on the relationship and expect the person to comply because you have or are paying for the services.

It is easy for sex to be involved in this kind of relationship because there is a feeling of ownership.

If the relationship happens to break up, what will hurt you most will not be losing the person but the money you have INVESTED in the person.

He is not your sugar daddy neither is she your sugar mummy.

How do I avoid this?

Both parties in a relationship should be financially independent. There is nothing wrong in giving gifts when the occasions arise like birthdays, Christmas and all, but do not take the place of the person’s sponsor. Let his or her parents be the sponsor, if they can’t, the person should get a job.

If you so much want to change the person’s financial status then walk to the altar. However, be careful that the reason you are marrying the person is not because the person has become your pet project. That becomes another set of problems.

Continues as part 5

See Part 3: https://wp.me/p6rlMY-u0

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Dr Linda Oyanna is a public speaker on health, relationship, marriage and family. She is a mother figure, mentor and role model for several young ladies who desire the balance she has been able to achieve among her many roles.

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Connections

A man who lived in a city heard of a project to build a hospital in a rural community, and also supply the hospital with medical equipment.

When he saw the advert on a National daily, he quickly called his team together, assembled all the necessary documents and submitted his bid.

Not long after, he was invited to defend the bid. He eventually got the contract.

He mobilized to site.

Some influential people from the government and the community met with him and told him not to build the hospital. He felt surprised, and asked them why. They told him the money should be shared into three parts; one for those who will cover his track, the other for the community leaders, and the third part for his company.

He asked them to know how sure they are to cover his tracks. One of the project supervisors from the government told him that with his influence they will pay 100% of the total project cost within 48 hours.

He got home, and was worried as he could be. The wife had to ask him what was troubling him. He opened up to her. She told him that he has two options; either you go ahead and execute the project without dancing to their tune, or reject the contract entirely.

He felt relieved, and agreed with his wife to go ahead with the contract.

Eight hours later, the entire cost of the project was paid into the company account. Few minutes later, he got a call from the project supervisor, who asked him, “Do you believe me now?” He answered in the affirmative.

He told him they need to meet. He told them his stand in the matter, and asked them to make a decision: either he does the project undisturbed, or not at all.

The meeting was tense, but he eventually had his way – he built the hospital to standard, and the equipment he supplied are state of the art.

Twelve years later, his son was posted to a rural community as a youth corp member. He did his service, saw a beautiful lady, got married to her and decide to settle down in the community.

After some time, the wife who was pregnant was in labor and they took her to the private clinic near their house where she registered for ante natal. The doctor examined her and told them the baby is breech and referred them to the only government hospital in the entire community.

Although the hospital is about forty five minutes from the clinic, they had to drive down that night. The doctor called the government hospital and the theatre was prepared for the operation before they got there.

The operation was successful.

With joy and excitement, he called his dad to inform him of the good news. The dad didn’t waste any time, he told his wife and they traveled to the community, where they were given direction to the hospital.

Immediately he stepped into the hospital, he broke down in tears uncontrollably. The wife and medical staff tried to calm his nerve to no avail.

The son came out of the ward where the wife was recuperating and saw the dad in tears. He embraced the son, wipe his tears and narrated the story.

He said “I would have killed my grandson.”

Are you at the verge of making a decision that does not have the interest of people?

There are various explanations for the term greed. Someone who bases his decision on the ‘me, myself, and I’ paradigm can be referred to as greedy. This explains the fact that whatever action you take that ignores the interest of others is not the best of decision.

We are connected in more ways than we know. Think people🤔

I came across this random story and thought to share it with you.

Relationship pitfalls and how to avoid them. Part 3

By Linda Oyanna

Continued from Pt 2

I am talking about some of these pitfalls and what we can do to prevent them from occurring.

2. Lack of respect for each other / bad attitude.
Lack of mutual respect for each other in a relationship can be a problem. When you disregard someone, you will tend to have a bad attitude towards that person.

You will not be courteous to the person and will disregard what the person has to say. Some people go as far as talking bad about the person to others.

This can lead to anger, quarrels, fights self esteem issues.

How do I avoid this?

If you can’t respect the person you are dating, please walk away. If someone is asking you out and you know the person does not make you instinctively respect him, please don’t go into it .

If in your relationship, you are having respect issues, both of you should sit down and re-evaluate the relationship.

The person’s mistake or inability to do what you expect is no grounds for disrespect.

Your annoyance does not justify talking bad about the person you are dating but only devalues the person before others.

…. Continues in part 4

See Part 2: https://wp.me/p6rlMY-tY

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Dr Linda Oyanna is a public speaker on health, relationship, marriage and family. She is a mother figure, mentor and role model for several young ladies who desire the balance she has been able to achieve among her many roles.

Take me to my leader?

QUESTION:

How can you find the right marriage counselors? Or is there any counselor who is a well trained personnel?

Related image

ANSWER:

As a matter of fact, yes, there are people who train in counseling and some even specialize in marriage counseling. So yes, you can find some of them. But, whatever be the case, whether you find someone who was formally trained as a marriage counselor or someone who feels he has been called to marriage counseling and has substantial testimonies backing up his calling, you still have to develop a relationship with them to know whether you should trust their counsel for your life. Because, if anyone is going to counsel you aright they need significant time to get to know you.

That is why in my book I always use the expression “tested and trusted counselors”. Whether they be your friends, your family, your pastor, or people you just look up to, you must have tested and trusted their judgment over time concerning other issues in your life before bringing their counsel to bear on your choice of spouse, or the conduct and the management of your relationship and subsequent marriage. Above all you must seek the counsel of the Holy Spirit on how and who to select to be your counselor.

Nonetheless the Bible lays down a strict code of warning which is this, “in the multitude of counselors there is safety”. (Proverbs 11: 14.) You cannot afford to have just one person counseling you on any matter. The Bible is clear that it is by the mouth of two or three persons that everything is established (Matthew 18:16) and then, when you hear counsel from a multitude of people you’re used to, you will arrive at one or two sound options of what to do and this way, this you will get the safety that you need. All you need to do then is to inquire of the Lord to know how to move forward.

One actionable advice I will give you is that you should ask God to guide you to the people who should be your counselors now. Once you have identified them, do not wait till the day you need their wisdom to draw close to them. Start now to build a relationship with these people so that when you ask for advice, they will give you advice specific to your life and the insight they have gained into it over time.

HONEYMOON: Limited Edition

QUESTION:

What are the causes of marriages that last for just 1 month is it that the victims in question were not really in love with each other?

Image result for honeymoon

ANSWER:

Most times the issue is not that the people were not “in love” with each other … as matter of fact a lot of people are “in love” when they get married. But then being in love with someone goes through different phases of development.

There is the initial ‘star struck’ phase. During this phase, the two of them are high on each other so to speak. The intensity of the passion drives them and rules their senses and then they say they’re “in love” and based on that, they get married. Of course, this intense passion will eventually get a reality check and when that happens, the relationship takes a turn that perhaps was never consider before. This is the form of love known as Eros. It has no consideration for selection based on logic, based on counsel or based on preference. It is just a wild fire of romantic love and no matter how good it is or how intense it is initially, eventually it must cool down, especially once it has been gratified by physical intimacy. That’s just how Eros is.

This is why in my book, To Date or Not TO Date, I mentioned the three types of love involved in a romantic relationship and I spelt it out clearly there that Eros on its own cannot sustain a relationship because it is all about physical romantic passion and believe me no matter how romantically passionate you are about someone, after sometime you have to take responsibility for caring for that person providing for that person and so on. This call to duty will eventually wake Eros from its honeymoon of a romantic daydream and slumber. So if the whole marriage relationship is based on this heady intense erotic passion alone, the relationship will crash when the fire of the passion eventually burns out … and for sure it will.

A second reason why relationships or marriages crash very early in their journey is that most people were not prepared for the implications of marriage on their personal lives. The way you used to live as a single person will be massively altered buy marriage and, if you are not prepared for this change, there won’t be a resultant shock which, if this is not handled carefully, might get out of hand and relationship will degrade and fall apart.

Luke 14:28-30 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have [sufficient] to finish [it]? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish [it], all that behold [it] begin to mock him, saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.

The wisdom here is to ensure that there is more to the love you have for this person than just that Erotic attraction. There must be the logically selective Phileo of friendship and familiarity as well as the unending, never failing, unconditional Agape at the foundation of it all. Beyond this, you must also ensure that you have tested and trusted counsellors to help you through your journey right from the premarital phase. Their wisdom will help you when things get weird and rocky.

Proverbs 15:22  Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.

 

Relationship pitfalls and how to avoid them. Part 2

By Linda Oyanna

Continued from Pt 1

I am talking about some of these pitfalls and what we can do to prevent them from occurring.
1. Immaturity.

A definition of immaturity I like most here is “not developed”. Another definition is not ripe. It is difficult to enjoy a fruit that is not ripe, the acid content will be so high that it will sting your mouth when you try to eat it. This is how it is when you date an immature person or if you, yourself, are immature.

Looking at the word “not developed”, it means when a thing has not grown. It is still in the infantile stage.

I am not referring to physical maturity because I believe that we understand that dating a child is unacceptable.

However, a person can be mature physically but immature spiritually and mentally.

Immaturity is a source of several problems in relationships because an immature person is selfish, self centred, does not care how the next person feels and is only happy when things go the way he or she wants it to go.

Caring for an immature person is draining, tedious and distracting. You are always on your toes, round the clock trying to attend to the person so he or she can be happy.

If you have ever taken care of a child,you will understand what I mean.

In the relationship, everything is based on the person’s happiness and if you dare not fulfil the happiness quota, the person will make your life miserable so you can feel the wrath of not making him or her happy.

Dating this person is like eating unripe fruit that will make your teeth sting and if not careful, you will end up with a belly ache.

A relationship involving immature people will never be enjoyed.

How do I avoid this?

If it is improper to date a physical child, then don’t date a spiritual or mental child. If you are immature, then you have to grow up. If you happen to be dating an immature person, help the person grow up if the person is willing to grow.

How? The word of God.

Study the word, read Christian literature that will help you grow and change your attitude, mindset and so on .

1 Peter 2:2. As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby.

Maturity comes from the word.

If your fiance or fiancee is not interested in growing, then don’t waste your time with the relationship.

Continues in part 3

See part 1: https://pdlionunlimited.wordpress.com/2018/01/31/relationship-pitfalls-and-how-to-avoid-them-part-1/

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Dr Linda Oyanna is a public speaker on health, relationship, marriage and family. She is a mother figure, mentor and role model for several young ladies who desire the balance she has been able to achieve among her many roles.

Relationship pitfalls and how to avoid them. Part 1

By Linda Oyanna
The relationship between a man and a woman is supposed to be a very enjoyable journey, however, since people are not perfect, we run into problems from time to time because we do not foresee some problems that may arise or do not even know what to do in order to avoid these problems and we end up having crises.

Good relationships have been lost because of these problems and because we do not know why, we tend to blame the loss of the relationship on the other person. We move on to the next relationship and to the next and to the next and we keep encountering similar issues, then we conclude that either the opposite sex can never be trusted or we entirely give up on relationships and on God and decide to stay single. This is also a very terrible.

Some of the pitfalls a relationship can have can usually be prevented before the relationship even starts. There are always warning signs but we tend to ignore them and tell ourselves that love is blind.

I am going to be talking about some of these pitfalls and what we can do to prevent them from occurring.
… Part 2 is on the way.
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Dr Linda Oyanna is a public speaker on health, relationship, marriage and family. She is a mother figure, mentor and role model for several young ladies who desire the balance she has been able to achieve among her many roles.

THY WILL BE DONE

QUESTION:

Is the will of God for a choice of a wife opposite to qualities the man likes?

Image result for will of God

ANSWER:

Basically, God does not force anything on you. What He does is to lay the options out for you, He will even go as far as educating you about the consequences of all the options but he will never choose for you.

As I keep saying, if God could make anyone do anything against their will, then everyone on earth will be saved already. But people die and go to Christless eternity every day because they choose to and God is powerless to stop them. Jesus taught us to pray “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. This alone shows that God does not impose His will on anyone on earth.

This is based on the fact that He made us in his image and likeness. In other words, we were created to look like and function exactly like God. God functions autonomously and so do we. We do not know all the choices there are, God does. That is where we need him to show us the options and guide us in terms of what is good for us but the choice always comes from us.

Now, from the aspect of whether what God wants us to have is contrary to what we desire to have, then we have to understand that because God knows all, sees all, and knows what is good for all, He’s still the best resource person in terms of selecting what we should have and do. However, because God knows that he cannot force even what is good for us on us, what He does is to live in us and work in us so as to educate us and train us to the point where what we want is what is good for us which is what He wants.

Simply put, God gets involved with you with the intention of growing you to be like Him both in insight and foresight. So that when you see things from His point of view, you would make choices similar to what He would make. So the issue of your desires conflicting with God’s will won’t even arise.

If, however, this is the case … I mean if you are thinking that what you want is not what God wants to give you, then it means you and God are yet to arrive at the point where you need to be. In my opinion, you should suspend any other thing as far as your life is concerned and work on your relationship with God to the point where your confidence in the concept that God wants the utmost best for you and is the best person to make a choice for you and that his choices do not scare you before you go ahead to ask his opinion on life-changing matters such as marriage.

Image result for will of God

Psalm 37:4  Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

A BOLD QUESTION FOR MY WIFE

“Mom, do we disappoint you? Do you hate us? Do you hate your family?” Her child asked her.

She was driving her child home from school. Her husband was reading a newspaper. Her child was seated on the back seat, her husband on the front passenger seat.

“Why would you say something so stupid, I don’t hate you. Don’t be stupid” she shouted at her child as she drove on.

“Mom, that’s the reason I asked. You shout at me so many times. You call me stupid. Yet you talk so loving to other people’s children. When you came to pick me from school, you shouted at me in front of everyone because I was playing with other children with sand, yet you cheered at Boi as you watched him and his friends dance. You are so friendly to the neighbourhood children, you invite them home for a glass of juice but at home you make me feel I can’t do anything right. You shout at me almost every day. I am scared. I envy other children and how loving you are towards them. I envy how you hug other children and do anything to make them smile”

“You even shout at dad and get really angry at him. Dad offered to drive us, but you spoke to him so rudely. I have noticed that whenever you talk harshly at dad, he picks up a newspaper and doesn’t say a word to avoid fighting with you. Sometimes I think you treat your friends better than dad, your friends would never hear you talk badly at them. Do you always have to shout and be angry mom?”

She didn’t say anything. She continued driving.

Her husband looked at her and put down the newspaper he was reading.

Her husband noticed she was changing directions.

She drove in to the parking of Uchumi Langata Hyper.

After parking, she unbuckled her seat belt, opened the door, got out of the car then opened the back seat door to where her child was sitting.

Her husband was concerned that she might scold their child in public. She’s done it before.

Instead, she hugged and held her child closely and said, “I am sorry you feel that way. I don’t hate you or your dad. I love you. I love my family. I am sorry sometimes I get angry, angry over even little things. I don’t want to be an evil, ever grumpy mom so I will change. I will speak to you and dad better. I didn’t know what I was doing is that bad. I don’t hate you OK? I love you”

“I love you too mom” the child said.

“You should be enjoying childhood. It hurts to know that you envy how I treat other children. I am your mother, other children should be admiring how I treat you, not the other way round” she said then kissed her child on the forehead.

She looked in front to her husband, “Darling”

“Yes my love” her husband responded looking behind at her and the child.

“I am sorry also for treating you unfairly. I am sorry for taking you for granted knowing that as my husband you will always be there and feeling entitled to treat you whichever way I want. You are a good man. Even though many times I can be difficult, moody and hostile; you still extend grace and love to me. In addition to loving me, you love peace and that is why you’d rather keep quite than start an ugly confrontation with me. Thank you for keeping your cool when I am hot with temper. I am sorry sometimes I am warmer to others than to you. I will change that. I love you” she told her husband.

Her husband unbuckled his belt and reached out to her arm. He took her hand and kissed it.

“I love you my love. You’re making it sound like you are a monster. You are a good wife and mother. It’s just that you need to work on your temper and tongue. Relax my love, you have been blessed by a good family, enjoy it. You don’t need to shout so that we know you’re serious or so that we do what you request. You don’t look good when veins of frustration pop on your head. Relax. Keep calm. You don’t have to be in control of everything. Stop being anxious about every little thing. Enjoy us. Enjoy your family. Enjoy your life” her husband told her.

“Thank you, you two. Shall we go have a meal and drinks at the food court? My treat?” She asked.

“Yes mom, let’s. I want a milkshake” the child got excited.

They all got out of the car. Holding hands, they walked to the food court as a loving family.

—————-
Check yourself and how you talk to your children and spouse. Do your tone and words speak life? Are you more hospitable to your friends, strangers, visitors, ogas than you are to your family? Don’t make your family envy how you treat others yet family should come first

© Dayan Masinde and Akello Oliech

PATHWAY TO A BLISSFUL RELATIONSHIP … PT 10

By Linda

Continued from part 9

SPOUSE.
When you develop a relationship with God and you allow him to change you to suit his will ,your taste for a spouse will completely change.
The yardstick for your choice will change.
You will no longer sit around waiting for just any available person but you will have godly criteria other than beauty and size of pocket to make your choice.
The things that will be important to you will be
1. Is this person a child of God?
2Cor 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
2. Does this person love and obey God?
Jn 14:15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.
Pss 119:127 Therefore I love thy commandments above gold; yea, above fine gold.
Pss 145:20 The Lord preserveth all them that love him: but all the wicked will he destroy.
3. Does this person involve God in his/her decisions and life?
Is the person controlled by God ?
Prov 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
Prov 3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Prov 3:7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.
A man controlled by God will not hit you. A woman controlled by God will not hurt you , neither will they cheat on you or abandon you.
Gen 39:9 [There is] none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou [art] his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and SIN AGAINST GOD?
It is not sex or love that will keep your spouse from cheating but an undying devotion to God.
4. What has the person be called to do?
Is the person actively pursuing it?
Do you know what the person plans to do with his life?Does it complement you?
You as a believer want to pursue your calling and your spouse wants to open a beer parlour.
He works with a company that delivers goods and he steals some to sell for himself or sells goods that ought to be free?
She does not mind sleeping around to get a job.
What is important to this person you want to date?
5.What does God have to say about this person?
1Sam 16:1 And the Lord said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? fill thine horn with oil, and go, I will send thee to Jesse the Beth–lehemite: for I have provided me a king among his sons.
1Sam 13:14 But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the Lord hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the Lord hath commanded him [to be] captain over his people, because thou hast not kept [that] which the Lord commanded thee.
Job 1:8 And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that [there is] none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?
Job 2:3 And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that [there is] none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause.
What is God saying about the person you are interested in?
6. Are you willing to do purpose with this person?
Is the person ready to do purpose with you?
Mt 1:20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.
Mt 1:21 And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins.
Mt 1:22 Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,
Mt 1:23 Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.
Mt 1:24 Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:
Mt 1:25 And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.
It is a man or a woman that is born again, knows God,is controlled by God,loves you like God ,supports you like God would, helps you fulfil your purpose in life and pursues the will of God with everything in him/her that you will be able to produce a blissful relationships and marriage with.
In conclusion, if you decide to do things on your own or the way the world dictates, you will end up at the wrong bus stop because by strength shall not man prevail.
However, God is our present help in time of need.
God’s way has to be the only way for you and the only way that works that can also guarantee a blissful marriage and life.
At the end of this seminar, I want you to go back to God and set your heart right. A blissful relationship or marriage does not come by meeting Mr or Miss right but you being Mr or Miss right and you can only be right when your heart is right with God.
Lk 12:30 For all these things do the nations of the world seek after: and your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things.
Lk 12:31 But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you.
When you follow God and let him in,he makes your heart right and rewards you with everything you have ever wanted.
You can’t have a blissful life without God.
Thank you so much for taking out time to read my epistle. I believe God will use it to as a tool to transform your life.
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Dr Linda Oyanna is a public speaker on health, relationship, marriage and family. She is a mother figure, mentor and role model for several young ladies who desire the balance she has been able to achieve among her many roles.