The Girl Child

A precious brother read this post https://pdlionunlimited.wordpress.com/2018/03/08/respect/ and we had the following conversation. It’s quite long but it is worth your time.

Q: Good evening sir, I have a question relating to the last question too. Yesterday and today, we had a workshop on gender development in my office and very interesting discussions ensued.

This is an issue for both the male and female genders but it is mostly tilted towards the women because they suffer abuse the most in this regard.

So my question therefore is, how do strike a balance between helping a woman achieve her dreams, living up to her full potentials and exercising her rights when necessary and being a submissive wife to the husband. I asked that question bcos unconsciously, we breed our girls to submit to boys or see boys as stronger or smarter etc. So how do you train up a girl child to stand up for herself and not be intimidated by any man and yet be a submissive wife?

A: See jamb o

Q: Hahahaha

Jamb is simple for u na😁

A: I believe is in the balance is in the scriptures.

How should the girl child be treated by her family, how should she be raised?

Not in comparison to the boy child. We make a mistake trying to prove that men are stronger or, in order ro fight for the women, make them strive to disprove that general thought.

The issue is not about who is physically stronger. The average boy will always be stronger than the average girl in terms of brute strength but in terms of emotional fire power and attention to detail, women were created with extra strength in that regard. I say the average because you can always find a girl who’s stronger than some boy around her.

The roles we were designed by God to fill is seen in our everyday medical science. The average man’s skeleton is thicker, bulkier and rougher. Muscle mass is greater and there is less fat. Whereas the woman’s skeleton is more lithe, gentler, smoother.

Did you know that the average woman has a more acute sense of smell and taste? Thata why our homes smell as good as they do but particularly our children are better catered for because their mother can perceive them using more parameters than their fathers can. Did you know that whereas a guy uses one half of his brain overtime depending on the task at hand, a woman uses both halves per time? This helps men focus on the now but helps the woman remember more and in greater detail. Guys remember stuff is summary while women recollect in detail. It’s like black and white versus colour.

Necessity is the mother of invention and based on what each gender was invented by God to accomplish, the design is spot on. Each gender was designed to be stronger than the other in its area of strength and weaker than the other in the other gender’s area of strength. Why? So they can complement each other. Two halves coming together to become one whole, two partially strong persons coming together to make one all-round strong entity.

So, the girl should be raised not to compete with boy in strength or smarts but to be as strong and as smart as a woman was designed to be.

She should be proud to be a woman. She may be able to run as fast as the man but when she runs, it is with more grace and beauty hence she is being slower out of necessity. She brings more with her when she moves whereas the man needs to leave more behind in order to be able to move. But thank God there is someone coming right behind who picks up the things that were left behind and makes sure they all reach the finish line.

Her brothers should be raised to see her difference as her strength and to take advantage of the strength for the benefit of the family and to value her for it.

See the bible
Pss 127:3 Lo, children [are] an heritage of the Lord: [and] the fruit of the womb [is his] reward.
Pss 127:4 As arrows [are] in the hand of a mighty man; so [are] children of the youth.
Pss 127:5 Happy [is] the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

The Bible says Children, not sons. All your children are arrows, precision instruments of warfare that can fly off into the future to bring victory to your name. But guess who the quiver is. I believe it’s their mother. She is the one who keeps them.

How should she be treated outside her home? Well, outside your home it is a battlefield. So don’t expect any one to hand things to you on account of being sensitive but rather out of respect. But how you get that respect is the issue. More and more people, in this context women, are trying to gain respect by being better than the other person at that person’s own game. Why not play to your own strengths?

Like in the above scripture, you are an arrow, you need to find your own target. Don’t go out there trying to prove something or to be someone, you already are someone the world needs and that is why you need to go out there. One lady said “I am not trying to be a he-ro, I am a she-ro”.

In society, certain roles have been assigned to men and others to women. Our customs have evolved around the concept of roles. It is a misfortune that the necessity of these roles have brought us to the point of contest for supremacy rather keeping it in the celebrated context of complementality.

Just like in choir, the singer or preacher is the obvious recognized face. The sound engineer working behind the scenes is not often noticed, until something goes wrong of course. But each is playing a role and each role needs the other to performand deliver.

How should she be treated in her church?

The girl child should be treated as God, the Lord of the church does. The woman has kingdom rights just as the man does.

Gal 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

As long as there is no female or male holy spirit, and it is the same holy spirit who fills all believers in spite of their gender, then it is to be accepted that in the realm of spirit we are without gender. It is our bodies that are either make or female.

Of course our minds function based on exposure and training and a male person is trained and exposed to male relevant or male filtered information, same for women. So it’s easy for us to get it mixed up thinking we are gendered in the spirit.

Mk 12:25 For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels which are in heaven.

Gen 1:27 So God created man in his [own] image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

God is spirit, so are the angels and so is man. It is our gender designation makes us either male or female. So at the heart, where it really matters, we are the same before God.

Therefore, in His wisdom, God had dealings with women just like he had with men, notably Mary the mother of Jesus and Mary Magdalene to whom Jesus showed himself after the resurrection.

If God does not look at us based on gender in manifestation of the spirit or in bestowing his love on us, then neither should we look at anyone in that way.

2Cor 5:16 Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we [him] no more.

How should she be treated in her marriage?

This is where it gets interesting and confusing for most people. The reason being that, because of all I’ve said before, it is easy to assume I am saying God is all about equality between genders in the marriage the understanding of the concept of equality being that both the man and the wife are to be equal in their union.

Again, the balance is in the scriptures… always in the scriptures.

1Pet 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

Tit 2:4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
Tit 2:5 [To be] discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

If you look at the scriptures well, you will see that the woman was not asked to be subject to men but rather to her own husband. Why would God ask her to submit if she was inferior? He would have just said, “Woman, stay in your inferior place.” The reason one person needs to be instructed to submit to the other is because they are equal in capacity or strength.

1Pet 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

You are equally heirs of the grace of God. Breaching this understanding will hinder your prayers as a husband. She is that powerful.

In marrigae, the issue is not whether the woman has as much rights as her husband or as strong, the issue is that they have been ordered by God to play different roles: one leads the other submits.

God operates in an orderly fashion, not in confusion. It is not order if no one is clearly given the directive to be in charge. There are responsibilities to being the head, both physical but more importantly, spiritual. This is why Eve ate the fruit and nothing happened but when Adam ate the fruit, all of heaven and earth was negatively affected. There is a chain of command that maintains this order so that things flow properly as God intends.

1Cor 11:10 For this cause ought the woman to have power on [her] head because of the angels.

Gen 5:1 This [is] the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him;
Gen 5:2 Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.

God created both male and female but called them by the name of the one He put in charge. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t recognise the woman. In fact it is because of the wife that the man is asked to be in charge. If there was nothing to take care of, he wouldn’t be asked to be in charge.

Just as God has given angels charge concerning mankind even though we are higher than them for the purpose of defined roles. It is a matter of duty not power.

The focus is what needs to be done. If you’re alone, you’re in charge; if you’re part of a team someone would be put in charge.

Look at this account
Num 27:1 Then came the daughters of Zelophehad, the son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, of the families of Manasseh the son of Joseph: and these [are] the names of his daughters; Mahlah, Noah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Tirzah.
Num 27:2 And they stood before Moses, and before Eleazar the priest, and before the princes and all the congregation, [by] the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, saying,
Num 27:3 Our father died in the wilderness, and he was not in the company of them that gathered themselves together against the Lord in the company of Korah; but died in his own sin, and had no sons.
Num 27:4 Why should the name of our father be done away from among his family, because he hath no son? Give unto us [therefore] a possession among the brethren of our father.
Num 27:5 And Moses brought their cause before the Lord.
Num 27:6 And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,
Num 27:7 The daughters of Zelophehad speak right: thou shalt surely give them a possession of an inheritance among their father’s brethren; and thou shalt cause the inheritance of their father to pass unto them.

At the end of the day, God used these women’s case as occasion to rescue others in similar situation. They had as much rights as the men did before God.

So, in view of her future role in marriage, the girl child is trained in the area of submission not because she is inferior to men in general, but because she has to master the art of keeping her strength in check while she plays the role of a wife to her own husband. The other side of the coin is that the boy child should be trained to become a husband who sees his wife’s submission as a deliberate gift to him in honour of God and not a sign of weakness or an identity that cannot exist without him.

Q: I appreciate you taking your time to do this. As you know, I’ve got 2 girls and this would help set my mind in the right direction.

A: I know you have girls and this was not a question of rhetorics for you, that’s why I took the time.

Q: I think the first thing is to not create the competing impression between the two genders but rather to see how they (girls) can complement the weaknesses of those around them (gender notwithstanding) and learn from others how to improve on their (girls) weaknesses. This is a view outside marriage and family as daughters. However, they should believe anything is possible, so they have the freedom in mind to grow at full capacity.

However, in marriage, while praying they get good husbands who will not seek to show their masculinity and try to limit their growth, they (girls) will know that marriage is an institution created by God and just like every other institution, there is always a head. God has made man to be the head of every home. She will have to submit to him so there won’t be two heads in the home.

This is my extract from your explanation

A: But you have to know that this training won’t work on your girls unless their mother backs you up and she will only back you up when she sees you’re one of those men who respect and empower their wives.

Q: Hmmm…yeah. funny enough, I have already started thinking in that direction.

A: 😊

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Lord of Her Ring

Question: Is it right to tell your fiance that you have bought engagement ring at least to gain her trust and loyalty?

Or u just keep it cool till the engagement day?

Answer:

Basically, I’d say let the Lord guide you.

If she’s been eager for it, the sooner the better.
However, if her trust in you hinges on your getting her a ring, I think there is trouble on the horizon. Today it’s engagement ring, tomorrow it’ll be something else. You might find yourself being given increasingly difficult tasks until you can’t keep up.

Do you know what the end result will be when you finally fail? In spite of all the tasks you concluded in the past, she will conclude in the end that she cannot trust you.

Trust is another word for faith; some Bible translations use the word “trust” where others use “faith.” Faith is believing what God has told us. Of course faith without works is dead but, essentially, faith is taking God at his word. That is why even when things don’t look like it we can still have faith because it is based on the relationship and not on his performance.

So, I expect your girl to have learnt to trust you outside your performance. Even though your performance goes a long way to build her trust or break it down, if you perform poorly, it is not the best for her to tie her trusting you to one specific item. She might get what she wants but it makes it easy for her to be deceived. What if you are actually not worthy of her trust but manage to get her what she wants? This is a very common way girls get swept off their feet by unworthy guys.

For you, I encourage you to always demonstrate your commitment to her in everything you do. That way, you gradually train her to look beyond the things you do to make her happy until she sees you for who you really are.

In-laws of Pressure Cooker

Q:

I am in a relationship with a lady I love quite well. But her family is very demanding and it’s affecting our relationship. What can I do?

A:

Hallelujah!
Demands are many and varied o, and the implications vary as well. There are demands made as part of the bride price and wedding protocols.

However, anything beyond this is inappropriate. You are not yet a husband so responsibilities of husbands are not yet yours to bear.

Just as I would expect that your girl might cook for you once in a while and help you clean house once in a while, to demand that of her when she is not yet your wife is stepping out of bounds.

So, my counsel is not to quarrel your way out of this. Talk to your girl along these lines I just shared with you. She should be made to see how these demands are out of place and becoming a burden. She might be able to make her folks pipe down or she could step it down if she is the one bringing their problems to you.

If, however, they insist on pressuring you to meet their family needs, understand that things will not improve with time and will only escalate with marriage. If you’re not ready for that pressure, end it.

Managing Jealousy

Question:

Sir, a friend of mine asked me how he should go about this, at the start of the relationship the lady will always yield to what he says but after they been in relationship for a while she begins to tell him that he is making her not to be a real person. Though faithful, he hates seeing her relating to guys and it’s causing lots of issues. Right now, she wants to end it with him.

What should he do?

Answer:

Ok.

I don’t know if it’s too late to try to save this relationship but well …

Your guy has been jealous up to the point of being possessive of his girlfriend. If she is not allowed to relate with other guys simply because they are guys, then what will happen to her when they get married? Would he be able to tolerate other men even looking at her as she goes about her life? (Men cannot help looking at women; it doesn’t have to be lustful looking). Would he let her go to the market? Would he be able to deal with the thought of her going to work and having a career? She would basically be a prisoner.

If it’s that she knows they want her and she’s just enjoying their attention and flirting with other guys, that would be a different story and I would advise your friend to let her go. It would probably mean she has always been flirtatious and your friend got carried away by her charm and now that they are dating, he wants to forcefully modify her lifestyle. That won’t work.

But if she is not the flirtatious type and is being caged now and feels that she is forced to abandon friends and so on, then she is right, she has to leave him.

Your friend has to uunderstand that since they are not yet married, there is a limit to what he can say concerning her life. He has no rights over her yet.

Quite truly we all feel somehow when we see our girl with another guy but this shouldn’t go beyond the very initial stages of your relationship.

I say it this way because the feelings we have are automated responses; we often weren’t prepared for them or probably didn’t expect them to be so intense up to the point of controlling our behaviour.

But then, you should get a hold of yourself. The fact that you feel something doesn’t mean you must act on it. If you feel like urinating and you’re at that time in a board meeting, would you just relieve yourself right there? No. You know it is uncivilized to do so. So you subdue the feeling, starve it till you regain control. Then you find the civilized way to deal with the issue.

Same with this feeling of jealousy. You should starve it by not acting on it until it no longer controls you so that you can objectively look at the situation and come to realization of the facts to which you may now respond with civility.

Recycle

Q:

My wife is a good woman but her problem is to clean up the house and made it neat..I have tried so many means to correct her and help her change that habit but it’s still there. I pay the bills, she should take some responsibility. What do I do Sir?

A:

It would be nice to know if the woman in this picture also has a job outside the home.

But whatever be the case, sir, the two of you have become one o. However she is, she is your wife.

Interesting thing is, marriage does not change people, it amplifies what has always been there. She didn’t suddenly become this way.

This is my counsel to you, Sir. To create lasting change in a person, words are never ever enough. You have to follow up with action. In fact, you precede words with actions.

Acts 1:1 The former treatise have I made, O Theophilus, of all that Jesus began both to do and teach.

Doing came before teaching for Jesus. Even at creation, the spirit was moving over the waters before the word was spoken.

You pay the bills, that is awesome. While you deserve appreciation for that, don’t expect any special commendation. It is your duty to do so. It is your wife’s duty to help you keep a clean home just as she is to help you with every other thing. You start with the cleaning, she will follow you … as you said, she’s a good woman.

The Lady, the promise and the Lord.

Q: There’s a lady I like and she likes me too. We e are both Christians and friends. I didn’t ask God or dream any dream about her ooo. I just like her and will want her to be my wife. I have gone ahead to propose to her. Not sure if she prayed about it but she accepted. We are now in a relationship of which I have given my words that no matter what, I will not break her heart. I told her I have been hearing about men breaking sisters’ heart, that mine will be an exception etc….

Years have gone…

I now have a better understanding that I need to hear God as to the partner He himself prepared for me.

If peradventure I found help to hear God and I SINCERELY did, how do I handle her and my promise?

A:

God is always good.

Well sir. Unfortunately, your case is like all of ours as children when we first encountered Superman. We thought it was tying a wrapper on his neck that made him fly and some of us ended up breaking some bones.

Understanding grows with us. Your girl should know that much.

Your promise is still there but you have to bring her to the understanding that you have now gained with the passing of time.

If handled with wisdom, she will see you’re only trying to apply what you’re learning about your life and God. If handled wrongly, she might think you have found someone else and you’re using Christian brother style to break up with her.

I counsel that you speak to whoever is your pastor/mentor/coach about your dilemma. He might see the wisdom in taking her under his wing also and counselling her till she comes to the understanding you now have. Alternatively, he might counsel you together to each go and check with God before proceeding.

No matter how far you’ve gone down the wrong road, you can always make a legal U-turn.

Don’t hold on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.

Parental Blessing

Q:

Good day sir.

If your present relationship is not been supported by your parents reason that they don’t like the person. What is the way forward?

A:

Praise God.

The way forward is first of all backward.

If before you embarked on this relationship you have proven yourself a dependable, responsible and trustworthy individual with sensible results attributable to maturity, then when your parents disapprove of something, they will submit it as a counsel to you and encourage you to choose wisely. If, however, you do not have such a record, it will be a declaration on their part and a war has begun. You either fight them unlike you have never done before which causes some more problems like they will think the girl has jazzed you or you will acquiesce and give up the girl which means this battle will be fought again in the future.

The second step back you need to take is how your parents have related with you in the past in terms of counselling. Have they counselled you in a godly manner or in manners that betoken self interest?

If their counsel has always been sound, then I advise you to sit with them and find out what they are seeing or think they are seeing that you either need to look out for or clarify for them.

If they have always been self centered and worldly in their orientation, then the way forward is to start doing now what you should have been doing since you were a teenager, start showing through your works and a godly lifestyle with a healthy display of divine wisdom that you can be counted on to be a man.

1Sam 18:5 And David went out whithersoever Saul sent him, [and] behaved himself wisely: and Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul’s servants.

A good index that you are winning is when your parents start asking your opinion about family and personal matters or ask you to pray with them concerning a family issue. The day that happens, humbly pray and trust God but in your mind ehn, you should be dancing.