The Chicken or the Egg?

Someone asked a question on a platform I am a part of as to why is the social media flooded with posts directed at women on how to keep their husbands and not enough is being circulated about men being responsible enough not to require being “kept” by their women.

The issue of nearly legitimizing masculine insecurities, irresponsibility at home and infidelity without being fair to the female folk was the bone of contention. Here is what I shared with this group of friends. My hope is that this might benefit you too.

A:

It is an established fact that men are the more easily sexually enticed of the two genders. The pull is always towards the woman. It is what is done with this attraction that’s the matter.

The Bible is rife with proverbial examples of the power of seduction in the body and words of women. From Delilah to to the strange women of Proverbs, the scriptures give warning after warning to men to keep it together. To this end, it is the scriptures, and not trending social media articles as we tend to believe, that first supplies the ageless wisdom …

Prov 5:15 Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.
Prov 5:16 Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, [and] rivers of waters in the streets.
Prov 5:17 Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee.
Prov 5:18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
Prov 5:19 [Let her be as] the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
Prov 5:20 And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?

In other words, before social media came into being, the bible we carry around everywhere has been instructing men and women on proper behaviour responsibility and other social issues.

The scriptures did not here try to be fair. The reason is because it is not a matter of fault finding but rather supplying available strength to meet obvious weakness.

A woman is minding her business, not trying to be kinky, and she is at peace with herself, yet a man will be employing every weapon in his arsenal not to take that second look and this is not about lust. No matter how holy the woman is, she is the one with the difficult or impossible-to-hide body parts that move and shake the minds of men around her.

This can’t be helped, that’s how God made it. Remember the effect Eve had on Adam in the beginning. That is 50% of the vulnerability of the the male man – He is wired to be moved by sight.

Now to come to the woman, who knows the power of her body and decides to poke men in the eyes knowing that only a few would be able to escape unfazed. What do you expect would happen? The men would either have their heads shaved (like Samson) and lose their grace or shed their ranking identity coat (like Joseph) to preserve the grace only to still wind up in jail for a crime they avoided. And guess who the jailer would be? Of course, his wife.

If you realise that your husband is the sheep going out in the midst of wolves, should you not do what you need to protect him? Wisdom is profitable.

I learnt years ago that marriage is like a dance between a couple. There is the expected sequence of the dance routine for each person to execute. However, should your partner make the wrong move, the wisdom is for you not to insist on making the preprogrammed move but, rather make the complementary move in order to keep both of you on your feet and keep the dance going instead of stepping on each other’s toes or go sprawling across the dance floor.

Speaking of complementality, men also have their own share of protecting the sheep to do. Love your wife has two connotations.

1. *Love* your wife: This is the first one we quickly think of which as a matter of your duty to her. She needs the love, she has to be celebrated and cherished like Adam did Eve in the beginning… this is 50% of her vulnerability – she was wired to be recognised and celebrated. If she is exposed this way, a strange man would give her his ear and and collect her heart.

2. Love *your* wife: this is the part we don’t think of quickly. It implies that the male man is capable of love at an instinctive level, but as other scriptures corroborate, he has to learn to focus it only on his one wife.

Physical things show us how invisible things work (Romans 1:20 … My parphrase). During sex, the woman has only one egg for fertilization if she is even fertile at that time whereas the man comes with at least 40 million sperm cells each time. If he comes with less than that, he is said to have low sperm count.

This tells us that the man is capable of giving attention to several things at once. But the fact that the woman only picks one or two sperm cells to fertilize her egg means it is in her power to help him being out the best of himself and focus on that. At the end of the day they have far fewer babies than the man set out with but each baby comes well formed and beautiful.

Both the man and the woman are designed with vulnerabilities of different types, complementary types. The idea in the mind of God was that none would be complete without the other. So any effort to make one duplicate the other, whether in strength or weakness, is to rob the union of critical elements that make it whole. The issue is wholeness brought about by complementary defined roles. No role is weaker, less important or more stupid than the other. They are both equally necessary.

The picture of equality being paraded across the social media powered by humanist feminist movements and philosophies can therefore not work. It makes the couple struggle in futility to both play one type of role.

With the onset of woman empowerment, roles became mixed up. The initial intention was perhaps to empower women, make them less dependent for their survival and that of their children and thus secure the home. But, like everything human, it went wrong; what was considered good for women became expected and demanded of men. Men were now required to get in touch with that ever elusive “feminine side”.

“Malfunctioning” men began to fill the horizon. Nobody thought then that trying to fit men into women roles and mind frames was recipe for disaster. The best men could ever become were lousy women. But worse, a vacuum for masculinity was created; there were no more “men”.

Nature prevents vacuums and so the increasingly empowered women began to take on what they perceived was the “whole duty of men”. Providing for the family, climbing corporate ladders and ordering the members of the family around became more associated with women. Society became composed of malfunctioning men and misled women.

The only place men were still needed was in the creation of babies. However, with current science, though men still need to provide sperm cells on the whole, each particular woman now doesn’t really need to have a man in her life to start a family. She can visit a sperm bank and be done with it. (PS: I do not support this).

We know all this but we ignore the fact that we did this to ourselves and we who are Christians cast blame on the church, on scriptural principles and on God for our malfunctioning men. And who is complaining, who is the jailer? Again, it’s the woman.

There are feminist movements all over the world and even those women who aren’t actively feminist will instinctively get ferral once a woman seems to be in an unfortunate circumstance; objectivity is thrown out and it must be the man’s fault. Anyone who even suggests that the woman might have had a part in the process of creating the pain is vehemently opposed and in many cases vilified. Feminist basically now implies anti-masculine.

With such a prevalent philosophy, anything that remotely points to a course of action or role by women, from which men are to benefit, is vehemently tagged subjugation and victimization.

We fight the role description that puts a man in charge of his home ahead of his wife so vehemently that the momentum carries us beyond God who designed it all. We have subscribed to trending philosophies, taken up membership in the church of the social media forgetting one critical fact: the social media is a faceless entity that can not be held responsible for the actions we take based on the advice we receive from this “amorphous” counsellor.

Then there are those of us who will chant the trending mantra and hike the number of “likes” for others to follow but when the issue comes home to us, we still run to the same body of Christ whose views we have run down with our mouths and Android keyboards. We would yab folks for praying over issues and tell them to take action but when it happens to us, we find that all our action still requires prayer and that sometimes, prayer is the only possible action.

Two wrongs will never make things right. In any circumstance involving multiple persons, when things go wrong, it is always a summation of actions and inactions of all the participating members and as such solution can only be found by treating it as a team problem.

When God approached the first family, he sought for them using the man’s name but when it got to problem solving He held each accountable for their errors, even the serpent. Once you come out in defence of one party against the other in the forum of marriage, you’re already in error.

As I keep saying, with God, there is no “understanding” of cause and effect. He will not accept the failure of one person as the excuse for the failure of the other. My pastor said, “Christianity is not about how you’re treated but about how you respond to how you’re treated.” God will hold each of us responsible for our actions.

If a marriage is in trouble, it didn’t start today. So judging it based on the current symptoms is bound to be short sighted and problematic. Simply because the woman was first to cry out does not mean she is guiltless.

Prov 18:17 The man who first puts his cause before the judge seems to be in the right; but then his neighbour comes and puts his cause in its true light.

Finding out where things went wrong and bringing correction is always the bane of crisis resolution and for marriage, that is the only way true healing begins.

On a final note, for the benefit of the yet-to-be-married, there are always … ALWAYS warning signs. Look for them and respond wisely. Do not entrap yourself in a hell of a marriage because you didn’t take precautions.

“I didn’t hear from God per se, but I had peace”. Peace from where and from whom? If God did not speak, shouldn’t you at least wait? Every one who assumed the will of God and went ahead to take action regretted it. Abraham had Ishmael at Sarah’s inisistence and the trouble lingers; Jacob tricked Isaac to collect the blessing and though it was the will of God for Jacob to be ahead, doing it Rebecca’s way caused problems.

Granted, even those who heard God have problems. But the critical difference is that knowing they are in the will of God gives them the basis for faith to confront the problem and conquer (Rom 4:18-21) but when the same Abraham did things outside God’s leading, the problems created met with no faith to deal with them.

Prevention is better than cure. Some problems are simply better avoided.

In summary, the balance of the relationship, including problem solving, should always be sought through complementary role playing and problems can be and are better avoided. Always seek the balance as God designed it.

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Pocket Money

Q: Sir, What do you think?

A: I’m married … my wife is married. So the proper question is what do you think?

Q: Pastor Daniel naaaaaaaa … Lolzzzzz. Was hoping u would just give me ur opinion.

A: What would you do if you were in this position.

Q: I grew up in a home were we had excess and slowly got to where we had nothing. I honestly don’t have much respect for money, despite wat it can do, I am more interested in how smart he is, than how full his pocket is.
Besides the question says “Currently Earning” πŸ™ƒ

A: Ok. Then. The question is answered.
I summarily agree with you.

Q: πŸ™„ πŸ˜€ yes sir … Lolzzzzz

Majority of ladies including my sisters think opposite, their reason is the current economic change. So I started wondering….. If maybe times have changed.

A: Times change but wisdom does not change.

Currently earning meagre pay does not make someone a meagre person. Many, if not all, of the success stories in the world today had humble and rough beginnings. Even the Apostle Paul, the most documented of the Apostles, was in prison while writing those letters for which he is now famous through eternity.

One issue is to ask yourself if you can see this person beyond his current pay check. No matter how good it is, it is a pay check and anything can happen at anytime to make the pay check stop coming. Like in Nigeria, for some of us, the pay check did not stop coming but the economic situation cut the value of our earnings in half.

Realise this as a fact, nobody starts with his dream job. Even if he’s in business, the initial earnings are always a far cry from the projections that might have been the motivation to begin the business in the first place. Nothing starts at the top, except the grave.

Second issue is to ask yourself if the person sees himself beyond his current pay check. If he has a plan for his life that transcends his current circumstances, then his own security is not in his job but in himself and his vision. If the vision is from God, and he is actively pursuing it, then you can be sure he will succeed no matter the odds.

It is this security that you, as a woman, should be looking for. Does he lose himself because he has lost his job? When his pocket is empty, does his life feel empty to him, and then to you? These last questions define the line between guys and girls whose relationships revolve around money and materials as separate from those whose lives revolve around the person they claim they are in love with.

This brings me to the next issue, that of being the reason for your presence in his life. Of course he should have the material means to take care of you at the level you’re willing to allow. If he doesn’t have it, it’s either you will walk out or he would so that is not even the issue. The issue is this, you’re there to be his helper.

I must say with sincerity and gravity, if you’re not in a person’s life to be a help to him or her, you shouldn’t be there at all. If the man you have the hots for does not need your help, he does not need you period. Why do I say this?

You would recall that in the beginning before the woman was created, there were two major words used to describe her purpose, thereby justifying the necessity of her creation. They were “companion” and “suitable helper.”

Gen 2:18 And the Lord God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone (or without a companion); I will make him an help meet (or suited) for him.

“If purpose is not known,”
… say it with me … “abuse is inevitable.” If you lose focus of the reason you’re in his life, you will abuse his life and yours.

I know we want to argue that the man is supposed to also help the woman, I have nothing against that. But, if at the very beginning God created the *woman* to be a companion though life and a helper with assignments, then it cannot be ignored that, both in fact and in principle, you are there to help him.

And if you’re looking at the meagre resources the man currently has access to and what comes to your mind is insecurity rather than something you can multiply and make to increase, then your capacity to see is seriously compromised.

You are a life giver, sure, as a Christian, yes, but even more so as a Christian woman. You are a multiplier, a builder, a wonder worker even in the natural; I am yet to meet a man who is not awed by the process of birth. Yet women do this almost routinely.

The womb in your body is a physical reminder of the womb in your spirit. As a woman, you will take a single sperm cell and effortlessly provide the environment for it to be grown into a complete bodied and totally unique, previously unseen, human individual.

These are reminders that your presence in a man’s life is to provide an environment where his dreams can safely grow into something you can be proud of.

So, if you see a man earning little and you run away because of the little, you have missed the opportunity to be a partner with God in the making of something great. It also means that all those confessions you make in church and the declarations your minister makes over you actually mean nothing to you beyond the noise. I say this because if you claim to believe the word of God over your life, why do you think the word that the low income earning man is currently believing will not come to pass.

Should not the brother also be asking questions about your capacity to bear children? I guess you would expect him to believe that you can, right? Interestingly, even to your own self, you have no proof that you can bear children. All you have to go on are the seeds of your menstrual flow which come monthly and your faith. Same applies to him, if he has a small unnoticeable monthly seed in his hand and faith in his heart, does he not deserve to be believed in?

No matter what we can see now, our future is different from our present. If it’s bad, it can become good and if it’s good, it can become great.

2Cor 4:18 … we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen [are] temporal; but the things which are not seen [are] eternal.

Job 8:7 Though thy beginning was small, yet thy latter end should greatly increase.

1Tim 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.

Your insecurity in God will produce insecurity in man and your insecurity with your chosen man is a sign that you are not yet secure in your relationship with God.

Back story

Q: Good afternoon sir. I have a relationship question

A: πŸ™†β€β™‚οΈ

Q: πŸ˜„
Is it right for your partner to hide the identity of someone who gives rumoured info on your past relationships?

A: It depends on the trust level you have at the moment.
If your spouse trusts the source more than she trusts you, she will not disclose. If you have earned the trust level for such openness, she will tell you. How you react will determine whether she will trust with such things in the future.

The level of maturity in the relationship so far is also a factor.
If you’re not trusted to handle it maturedly and focus, not on the source of the info, but the info itself and the implication on your relationship, then your spouse is wise for not disclosing the source.
Problem is non-disclosure worsens trust issues as it compromises transparency.

Q: Okay. Thank you sir

A: By the way, why do you ask?

Q: I’m asking because I’m in that situation right now.
He asked if I know a particular guy and for how long. I replied him and he asked if there is anything else he needs to know about the guy but he kept quiet. At this point I knew someone had told him something that has raised his curiosity. I asked who told him about the guy, he said a friend told him, but he has refused to reveal the identity of the person and it’s causing an issue.

A: πŸ˜„ It’s not causing an issue for him but for you.
Let it go. As long as you have told him the truth, give him time to learn to trust you to that level and beyond.

You cannot order him to tell you stuff. If you try it and succeed this time you will have to keep on doing that and it might eventually wreck the relationship.

So let it go. If he sees it’s not a big secret for you, he will relax and join you in treating it as no big a deal.

Q: Okay sir. Thank you sir

A: You’re always welcome.

Lord of Her Ring

Question: Is it right to tell your fiance that you have bought engagement ring at least to gain her trust and loyalty?

Or u just keep it cool till the engagement day?

Answer:

Basically, I’d say let the Lord guide you.

If she’s been eager for it, the sooner the better.
However, if her trust in you hinges on your getting her a ring, I think there is trouble on the horizon. Today it’s engagement ring, tomorrow it’ll be something else. You might find yourself being given increasingly difficult tasks until you can’t keep up.

Do you know what the end result will be when you finally fail? In spite of all the tasks you concluded in the past, she will conclude in the end that she cannot trust you.

Trust is another word for faith; some Bible translations use the word “trust” where others use “faith.” Faith is believing what God has told us. Of course faith without works is dead but, essentially, faith is taking God at his word. That is why even when things don’t look like it we can still have faith because it is based on the relationship and not on his performance.

So, I expect your girl to have learnt to trust you outside your performance. Even though your performance goes a long way to build her trust or break it down, if you perform poorly, it is not the best for her to tie her trusting you to one specific item. She might get what she wants but it makes it easy for her to be deceived. What if you are actually not worthy of her trust but manage to get her what she wants? This is a very common way girls get swept off their feet by unworthy guys.

For you, I encourage you to always demonstrate your commitment to her in everything you do. That way, you gradually train her to look beyond the things you do to make her happy until she sees you for who you really are.

In-laws of Pressure Cooker

Q:

I am in a relationship with a lady I love quite well. But her family is very demanding and it’s affecting our relationship. What can I do?

A:

Hallelujah!
Demands are many and varied o, and the implications vary as well. There are demands made as part of the bride price and wedding protocols.

However, anything beyond this is inappropriate. You are not yet a husband so responsibilities of husbands are not yet yours to bear.

Just as I would expect that your girl might cook for you once in a while and help you clean house once in a while, to demand that of her when she is not yet your wife is stepping out of bounds.

So, my counsel is not to quarrel your way out of this. Talk to your girl along these lines I just shared with you. She should be made to see how these demands are out of place and becoming a burden. She might be able to make her folks pipe down or she could step it down if she is the one bringing their problems to you.

If, however, they insist on pressuring you to meet their family needs, understand that things will not improve with time and will only escalate with marriage. If you’re not ready for that pressure, end it.

Managing Jealousy

Question:

Sir, a friend of mine asked me how he should go about this, at the start of the relationship the lady will always yield to what he says but after they been in relationship for a while she begins to tell him that he is making her not to be a real person. Though faithful, he hates seeing her relating to guys and it’s causing lots of issues. Right now, she wants to end it with him.

What should he do?

Answer:

Ok.

I don’t know if it’s too late to try to save this relationship but well …

Your guy has been jealous up to the point of being possessive of his girlfriend. If she is not allowed to relate with other guys simply because they are guys, then what will happen to her when they get married? Would he be able to tolerate other men even looking at her as she goes about her life? (Men cannot help looking at women; it doesn’t have to be lustful looking). Would he let her go to the market? Would he be able to deal with the thought of her going to work and having a career? She would basically be a prisoner.

If it’s that she knows they want her and she’s just enjoying their attention and flirting with other guys, that would be a different story and I would advise your friend to let her go. It would probably mean she has always been flirtatious and your friend got carried away by her charm and now that they are dating, he wants to forcefully modify her lifestyle. That won’t work.

But if she is not the flirtatious type and is being caged now and feels that she is forced to abandon friends and so on, then she is right, she has to leave him.

Your friend has to uunderstand that since they are not yet married, there is a limit to what he can say concerning her life. He has no rights over her yet.

Quite truly we all feel somehow when we see our girl with another guy but this shouldn’t go beyond the very initial stages of your relationship.

I say it this way because the feelings we have are automated responses; we often weren’t prepared for them or probably didn’t expect them to be so intense up to the point of controlling our behaviour.

But then, you should get a hold of yourself. The fact that you feel something doesn’t mean you must act on it. If you feel like urinating and you’re at that time in a board meeting, would you just relieve yourself right there? No. You know it is uncivilized to do so. So you subdue the feeling, starve it till you regain control. Then you find the civilized way to deal with the issue.

Same with this feeling of jealousy. You should starve it by not acting on it until it no longer controls you so that you can objectively look at the situation and come to realization of the facts to which you may now respond with civility.