I had an interesting conversation with a lady friend (I’ll refer to her as “Elly”) about her very young marriage, less than a year old in fact. She was having some sort of problem that I think is very very common and I decided to share it here.
As always, it is with permission and you will learn a thing or two.
Elly: Good afternoon sir. How is work and the family?
PD: All is well. God is good.
Elly: Good to hear that sir.
PD: How far with you?
How is your home?
Elly: I’m fine sir…I bless God sir.
PD: Hope you’re taking good care of your husband?
Elly: Yes sir.
PD: Do you submit to him in everything? Or do you struggle sometimes?
Elly: Honestly Sir, I really struggle at times. It’s not easy at all.
PD: How so? Don’t you love him?
Elly: Hmmmmm … It is well Sir…. I love him but sometimes he does what I don’t like and that makes me to get tired.
PD: Is your submission or love for him based on when he does things you do like?
Elly: Not at all sir … I submit to him and respect him but it’s not always I concur with him…there are times we disagree and he won’t admit his fault by apologizing.
PD: So, you wish you could get a cane and flog his bom bom.
PD: What if he also thinks you’re wrong and is waiting for you to apologize?
Elly: That is the problem here … I’m always the one apologizing.
PD: You think that is a problem?
Elly: He will never admits his wrong.
PD: When he admits he is wrong, will you eat the admission? Or will you forgive him and move on?
Elly: I always forgive him and move on cos he won’t feel it so I just have to forgive and move on with life.
PD: Blessed is the woman who seeks how to get a thank you from her husband more than she seeks an apology.
Elly: But the devil always has a way of hurting someone….Sir I thank God that a burden was lifted off me via the just concluded Bible School … the evil thought has seized from my mind cos initially a thought will be coming to seek for divorce and sometimes I will be saying in my next world I won’t get married … but thank God those thoughts have gone … I’m happy now.
That’s the honest truth sir.
Elly: And, Sir, I’m pregnant.
PD: I’ll share something with you.
Elly: Ok sir.
PD: Your marriage is young … Very young. … And you look around at marriages around you that look beautiful. You want yours to be as sweet as theirs. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Elly: Yes Sir… I want it to be sweet sir.
PD: But most likely, all the marriages you’re admiring are many years older than yours.
Elly: Hmmmmm….that’s true sir.
PD: Do you realise that a marriage gets better as it grows? It’s called maturing. It takes patience to enjoy a marriage.
Elly: Thank you sir.
PD: It’s just like having a baby. Every woman wants to have have her first baby. She’s eager for it. Gets excited when she’s pregnant. And when she eventually gets to term she has to labour and push the baby out. And then she thinks the worst is behind her … nothing could be further from the truth.
Once the baby is outside your body, it starts to exert its own will on your life. It makes selfish embarrassing demands which you must fulfill. You can’t sleep when you want, you can’t sit quietly for any length of time. The baby becomes so demanding that you nearly forget that you love the baby. All you see now is the stress.
I’ve heard of women who abort their pregnancies just because they already have a stressful baby in the house they are still trying to deal with. You know, the easiest way to end all the stress is to throw the child away but you see that most people don’t. You know why?
Elly: No Sir …why?
PD: Its because they know it’s just a phase.
Elly: Yea that’s true.
PD: They know from watching others that after some time, this stressful baby, with time, will grow up into a helpful young man or woman and mommy will start to enjoy some rest.
Your marriage is still a baby. It’s soiling itself, messing up everything, spilling things, wasting things and so on.
Its a phase.
E: Ok Sir…thank you very much. God bless you.
PD: If both you are genuine in your love for each other, and more importantly for God, you will weather the storm and then you will rest down the line.
Elly: God helping us. I’m really relieved this evening and I’ve also learned a lot this evening. I’m very grateful Sir… God bless you and your family.
Oh no … my ba3 is low now.
PD: I’ll leave some messages for you to read up later.
As I said earlier, Blessed is the woman who seeks how to get a thank you from her husband more than she seeks an apology.
You entered your marriage with the intention of making someone happy, not to make him sorry. Why not focus on the good you can do to him rather than the apology you so much want. Even if he apologises today, he will mess up again tomorrow so apology will never and but if for lack of apology, which is not in your power, you cut out gratitude, which you can do something about, your marriage will be a complete pain.
I learned something from a friend years ago, his name is Harry Doghor. It says, “Lord, help me seek to understand more than to be understood”.
So rather than fight to make someone understand my point, I will calm down and try to understand his point. The more I understand him, the better I can handle him and his errors in the future but in the meantime, my calming down has cancelled the present fight.
Of course, that makes you look like you lost because your rights were not respected but that is the way of the world. Instead of being denied our rights, we as sons of God are taught to give up our rights like Christ did when He became human and in the end became our saviour. You may have lost your rights but You have gained peace in the place of a fight in the now, and in the future, you get to be the saviour of your marriage.
If you can do his consistently, after some time, you will notice your husband will get the point, that you’re trying to help, not trying to fight and that is when he begins to respect you in that special way that you see in older marriages. At that point, you will be the winner for all to see but your victory starts now as you choose Gods way of winning.
Most times, when we mention submission, lesser men think it’s the excuse to oppress their wives and lesser women think it means being fools.
Those who know it for what it is know that it is the way for women to win their husband’s to their side.
1Pet 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives.
You can win without fighting if you choose the way of the bible.
Elly: Thanks so much will abide by the way of the Bible so I can build my home. God bless you for me😀
PD: If your husband were here, I would pull his ear for making my sister cry but … you be strong. Going God’s way means God is with you.
Be at peace.
Elly: Amen… Thank you sir.
Elly: Thank you Sir.
17 days later…
Elly: Good morning sir. Happy Easter to you and your family.
PD: Iyawo (means wife or, in this context, new bride). Happy easter o.
Elly: Wish you same here sir….Thank you Sir.
PD: How are things going with your hubby now?
Elly: Good afternoon sir. We are doing great sir…Thank you so much sir.
Would you be willing to share your experience with other young couples to help them too?
Elly: Yes sir…I will sir
Thank you so much sir
With your permission, I will share our chat with friends so they too can benefit.
Elly: No problem sir