The Test Tube – Single But Pregnant: Part 2

Continued from Part 1: pdlionunlimited.wordpress.com/2017/08/02/the-test-tube-single-but-pregnant-qa-pt-1/

Sperm bank

HM: This is a really weighty mata. If the lady was standing in front of Jesus, what do you think Jesus would do? Or say?

 

Po: He will tell her that her sins are forgiven (when he hadn’t died) but today he would say my love is sufficient for you.

The difference between the 2 cases (adulterous case and the insemination case)Β is that d first case is a well known/understood sinful actΒ while the latter is still, to many, as undefined.

 

HM: But I say, walk habitually in the [Holy] Spirit [seek Him and be responsive to His guidance], and then you will certainly not carry out the desire of the sinful nature [which responds impulsively without regard for God and His precepts]. For the sinful nature has its desire which is opposed to the Spirit, and the [desire of the] Spirit opposes the sinful nature; for these [two, the sinful nature and the Spirit] are in direct opposition to each other [continually in conflict], so that you [as believers] do not [always] do whatever [good things] you want to do.

GALATIANS 5:16-17 AMP

 

Hon: My thoughts on this issue but not so detailed.😁

We must remember this isn’t Pre-insemination counselling but post. Now our sister is expecting and we should be there for her. Also, we should help her see that she can trust God for a good man. It was this lack of assurance that drove her into taking this decision in the 1st place. So, we must help rather than condemn her and establish her heart in the grace of our Lord Jesus.

 

PD: Has she shown any repentance? Cos going by this line of thought, we should not bother whether she is sorry or not, we should just be there for her.Β Is this what you’re saying?

Po: Has what she did been accepted as wrong by her.Β If she sees it as good then don’t expect repentance .

PD: Then if she is unrepentant, should her church be providing her support?

Doing so, what does that tell us? Go and commit sin and come back feeling cool with yourself, we will support you. Commit Grand Theft Auto, Rob a bank, Snatch someone’s husband, do any manner of wrong, we are the church we must support you.

We are comparing her with the woman who was brought to Jesus whereas that woman clearly knew she was in error. She might have felt bound by her lifestyle but she knew it was wrong. She didn’t argue with her accusers, she was ready to die. The love reached out to her by Jesus was pardon for recognized sin and grace to break the hold and she grabbed it.

Remember the prodigal son? The father was waiting for him but the boy had to come to his senses and take a step homeward.

I probably sound harsh and heartless and unloving and un-everything but I will go by what wisdom the scriptures show and not by the emotional, sympathetic or circumstantial issues surrounding it.

On the other hand, there are “halfway houses” run by Christians whose ministry is in reaching out to folks with such and similar issues like unwanted pregnant girls or drug addicts and prostitutes. She should go there. She will not be condemned but she will be supported while they counsel with a target of repentance so she can receive help from God on a larger scale.

She is pregnant, yes. Sympathy always goes to pregnant woman. But that is not the basis of church government.

I am reminded of one New York Single Lady Pastor who was pregnant outside marriage. In her video I watched, she was not saying anything about apologizing for her actions or repentance. Instead she was saying many male men of God engage in similar actions and go scot free because they do not get pregnant and no one is the wiser. She went ahead to say she refuses shame, guilt and condemnation and she is proud of her pregnancy or baby or something like that. The congregation greeted her with applause.

I remember someone saying the woman is living in delusion.

We have to remember, God is God. He is not a product of a consensus and his judgements are not based on public opinions or sympathy for the unborn, in spite of how precious they are to him … far more precious than they could ever be to us. He himself binds himself by and to His word. He will not change His mind because of an endangered minority group.

That being said, I feel for the woman. I feel sorry for her. I wish she hadn’t chosen that path but she has. If she seeks my help, I will give it based on her showing any sign of remorse. The help she needs is for the salvation of her soul, above all else because, friends, Satan is not done with her yet. There is more ahead.

The scriptures cannot be broken.

Chi: My take on the matter is this. I believe a mind that has come to a total resolve cannot be swayed by talks.Β I believe she knew what she wanted and she knew that the body of Christ might not understand (her way) oooh. Hence she decided to take the action and damn the consequences.

If the single lady is in position of authority (i.e. a leader of a group etc) then I think she should be first relieved of her responsibilities and then counseled. Paul said all things are lawful but not all are expedient. Her action will only send a vibe that it’s OK to do this. She should be counseled and d root of the matter has got to be identified and this must be done in LOVE and no judgement. No one should make her feel inferior but in love her mistake is to be corrected.

If she is not in a place of authority then d leaders of the church should constantly place her on d altar of prayer. That the word that will save her soul will get to her one way or anoda and should also be reached out to in love.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again. There are different measures of faith and is as we daily apply ourselves to this that we grow. We Christians make a mistake by ALWAYS being very JUDGEMENTAL and at the end instead of the problem to be solved it ends up being worsened and d person backslides.

Let us pray for one another honestly. I might not open up to my pastors in church but I can open up to PD lol. Not because I don’t trust them in church but because I know that PD has got my back on d past and trust that he is seasoned in God’s word to help me find a way out through the leadings of the Holy Ghost. Β ( nb: This is just an example ooh😜😜)

Anyway back to the matter she needs love … Both Tough and Emotional Love.

Glo: Will a single lady who opted for adoption be relieved of her responsibility as a leader in church?

PD: There is nothing wrong with counseling her to be strong to wait for God who doesn’t disappoint. No matter how late she gets married, nothing is impossible for God if she believes. … if she believes.

However, if she thinks she doesn’t have the faith for it, she should know that whatever human means she takes to “solve” her problems will, like every human treatment, have side effects and sometimes complications. Only God can give a blessing that has no sorrow with it.

I have heard testimonies of women over 50 who got married for the first time in their lives, men too.

I have counseled a number of women who felt life was passing them by without as much as a second glance. Some were just about ready to accept advances from unbelievers while some were just broken. They are all married now, after waiting just a little longer, this time, trusting God rather than looking at their unfortunate circumstances.

Lee: Awesome!!!!

Women need to be told this. My 50yr old aunt recently married, and she’s happy. Another 45yr old aunt too. People need encouragement. Unfortunately our environment and people make it seem like your in competition with ALL your peers.

 

The discussion continues in Part 3: pdlionunlimited.wordpress.com/?p=1522

The Test Tube – Single but Pregnant: Q&A PT 1

 

Hello friends and readers,

There’s this post that’s circulating Whatsapp discussion platforms about a single Christian lady who opted for artificial insemination. Some firends and I discussed it … heated discussion it was and I decidedΒ  to leave it there. but the same post has shown up on a few other platfroms I’m on and even in multiple private messages.

So I decided to capture the crux of the discussion from two separate groups but because of their volume, I have had to edit for focus and I have spilt it into a number of parts.

As always, no real identities have been included.

Enjoy.

Sperm bank.jpg

Matt: Please, I need people to sincerely think with me, what is to be done in suchΒ a case if it were to happen under our lead…? Please how do you adjudge this situation:

 

β€œA sister in a church in the abroad, who is known to be a known single sister suddenly began to develop big stomach. Investigation revealed she is pregnant. Disciplinary committee set up adjudged the situation as a consequent result of her fornication.Β 

She was asked to speak in her own defence as this matter is clear cut simple. Single sister not engaged or married but pregnant, the Bible has a template for judging this matter.

She spoke up. I didn’t sleep with any man. I did not commit fornication. I did not have sex. I went to the sperm bank and got artificial insemination. I chose the specification of the kind of seed I wanted and I paid and I got it. I am advanced in age, and I need a child, and I can’t keep waiting for a man that I don’t know when he will come.

The committee looked on.

They are still looking on till now.

Please help Committee.”

Jay: πŸ‘€

 

Matt: Peole dey invent ways of doing things ooo… Shuo… See science

Jay, you dey surprise?

Vicki: They should ask the lady what is God’s word to her about this. If she can’t answer, then counselling unit is over to you. But if she argued that it was God that ask her to go ahead, then we need to watch her

Favi: This one hard me oh!

Obi: This is ridiculous … I surprise pass Jay.

Ani: She has done wrong o … by limiting God’s ability of giving her a husband to have a child through a natural method cos every good n perfect gifts comes From God and Children are heritage from God. She should be disciplined and God can still forgive her. She should amend her ways like Abraham impregnating his female servant but God’s plans still came to pass in his life.

Po: She committed artificial fornication.

Obi: From the religious angle she has doubted God and His ability and then should ask for forgiveness. From the societal angle what we should tell the society, when the child grows up who would she point to be the father of the child, how will she explain to people what she did

Jay: Well, Let’s not be too quick to cast stones; let’s observe.

Obi: Not really PJ we are not o, it’s dicey

Obi: At the end we have not helped the counseling unit to solve this issue. What do you think should be done to the sister, how would this case be handled?

Gracey: It takes a village to raise a child. They should become her village.

Po: I’m finding it difficult to put my comment in letters. 😐😐

I know that everything is not discipline /punishment matter.Β The counseling unit should pray with and for her because this topic may not exactly be in the bible for us to refer to.

We are judging the act and not the actor.

Gracey: I am reminded of Jesus and the woman that committed adultery and was to be stoned to death. Remember,Β Jesus after her accusers had left, he told the woman he didn’t condemn her and she should go sin no more.

Most counseling units these days are sorry to say, glorified firing squad.

In this case, this woman needs support more than ever before. Pregnancy is hard on its own. The counseling department should be rallying around her. There should be brethren checking on her, accompanying her to appointments, helping with various tasks. Society will already look down on her at this point as a woman that is having a child out of wedlock. She shouldn’t feel that same condemnation in the body of Christ which is her family.

There should be a plan in place for when the baby is born, support in the hospital, the days after the baby comes home. The women should be taking turns helping out. Even the men. Every woman who has had an infant know that although babies are bundles of joy but they are enemies of sleep and sanity.

The counseling unit can take the place of a father to that child (if the woman doesn’t know her sperm and or he isn’t in the picture). There are children that are fatherless and have lived great lives because Men stepped in to raise them. Β A child doesn’t necessarily have to be your biological child for you to raise them or have a positive impact in their lives. That’s the role of the church. They should be stepping in to raise this child.

Sometimes, a teaching moment comes from portraying the love and kindness of Christ.

 

Matt: Very true… Love must be the real deal

Cool: What if she had adopted instead of inseminated ? 😳

Lee: No be the same thing oh! Yes. She went about it the wrong order. But then, what if she had adopted a child? πŸ€”

Guess the counselling theme is afraid of appearing to ‘Endorse’ indiscipline

Po: Environmental traditions play a part in counseling sessions, what applies in India may be very different from that in Germany etc.

Lee: True that

PD: The word is the same.

 

Po: Jesus was sweet even in correction /rebuke of deeds and lifestyle.

The woman at the well that Jesus told her about d plenty husbands she has had and the current one she is with yet he wasn’t after condemning her instead he wanted to show her a better way.

Because he didn’t sound harsh didn’t mean he was happy with her life choices

Romans Β 14:12

So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

14:13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way.

14:14 I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.

14:15 But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.

14:16 Let not then your good be evil spoken of:

14:17 For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.

14:18 For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.

14:19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

14:20 For meat destroy not the work of God. All things indeed are pure; but it is evil for that man who eateth with offence.

14:21 It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.

 

PD: Jesus was not always sweet o. Ask those guys he chased out of church with koboko.Β The defining factor is to do the will of the father, even if you seem harsh.

 

PD: There was a woman caught in a sexual sin. Jesus found her guilty just like everyone else but gave her a chance to repent unlike everyone else.

Where mercy is available, repentance is possible and where repentance is noted then support should be given.

This is the principle in the scriptures as seen in the above example as well as in the account of the Corinthian church.

Question is has she sinned? Has she done wrong?

Going by the fact that she didn’t bother to seek counsel of the church before going for artificial insemination, it means she knew the church would not stand for it. That itself indicates she knew her decision was questionable. Just like her, many of us have done stuff that we weren’t sure were outright wrong but we knew were questionable and we should have asked questions. In that wise, we were wrong. So is this woman. If however you do not care about our counsel before taking a step, should you vilify us for not supporting your decision? No.

If you know to do good and fail to do it, it has become a sin in you. James 4:17

Again, did she sin?

The word formication is not limited to premarital sex, as many think. It refers to all forms of misuse and abuse of our sexual powers including lookery, thinkery and touchery as well as entry. That is why Jesus said lookery is as much sin as entry.

The right to sex is the foundation for the right to procreation … mind you, the right. There are those who cannot exercise the right due to one or two things but that is another matter. God did give us the power to make new human beings but did not give us the power to do so in isolation. You have to involve another person.

In-vitro fertilization, artificial insemination, surrogacy and some other more advanced scientific methods for ensuring conception and/or procreation were all initially designed to help struggling married couples fulfill a particular dream but just like everything man does, it starts out well intended and argued until it is accepted but once implemented it gets twisted along the way. Condoms, for example, were initially designed for birth control but we then found a benefit in infection control and now it is being used freely to prevent conception and infection outside marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn’t prevent formication. So, artificial insemination itself was well intended but we now have folks misusing and abusing it. God is judge.

This woman went to a sperm bank and picked sperm from a man who willingly donated ahead of the occasion so it is with his consent, although by proxy, that this woman has recruited him to have a child outside marriage. This is abuse of their powers. They are thus illegitimate parents.

Did this woman have sex with anyone, definitely not. Did she abuse her sexual powers? Definitely yes. How God will judge them I don’t know but is this wrong? Yes. So if it is wrong, as a church leader where this woman is a member, I am duty bound to act in the interest of the whole church. Her action is personal but the repercussions will travel across the entire church.

What is her wrong? Not artificial insemination, not unbelief or desperation but for choosing to be a biological parent outside marriage.

I would investigate to ascertain that she did use the services of the sperm bank.

If she is a leader, I will step her down. She will serve whatever punishment the church has decided. I won’t kick her out of church but the church will know she was in error. If she apologises, she will serve her punishment but I won’t reinstate her to leadership office. Apology and repentance are not synonymous but her apology is necessary for human government and administration. Repentance is between her and the only person who can tell the state of her heart, God.

I will not support someone who is unrepentant after taking a stand that compromises the church.

If anyone feels the pressure to be a parent, he should get married first. If you can’t wait for love to find you, then pursue and arranged marriage … you might be fortunate to find love along the way but be sure you’re more likely to find respect only. If you’re eager to have someone to care for, then adopt.

This is my stand and my counsel.

Po: Epistolic Anointing.

Matt: Wow… Tnx alot sir

Faith: #WORD. πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ‘πŸ½

 

The discussion continues in part 2:Β  pdlionunlimited.wordpress.com/?p=1507

When Chisel meets Stone

On the heels of an inspired write-up titled “Would you marry yourself?” by someone I met at an online event, I have this to add.

We all need to change something about ourselves in ways that really matter. The character adjustments that last the longest, likely to continue on to be permanent and have the greatest impact on our marriages are those that begin ever before we enter into a romantic relationship with anyone.

Sadly, most folks wait to start a relationship before realizing they need to change something about their person.

In many ways, I’m an artist and my best work have always taken the most time. God is the only artist who can positively shape  character and just as with every great masterpiece, it takes skill, patience and lots and lots of time.

 

If you wait to get romantically involved with someone or even get married before you start working on your character, you have postponed the time you would begin to enjoy your marriage. 

Changes after the wedding altar are very few, if any, and veeeeeeeerrrrryyyyy veeeeeeeerrrrrryyyy sssssllllllooooooooooowwwww … because your spouse has become a confounding variable; everything you need to do  go through the influence she has on you. Even if you identify something that needs changing, the thought that your spouse might take credit for the change, find justification for her actions in your agreement to change or even gloating over a supposed victory would definitely increase the inertia to change. And even if you do, changes made to please someone else apart from God mostly do not last long.

Anyway, whether single, dating or married, whatever you need to adjust, start now. Submit to the master craftsman. His yoke is easy, His burden is light. He is very gentle because He knows that we are dust. This, however, does not mean that the chiseling would be painless. The pain is not from the bite for the chisel; it is from the shearing off of those jagged edges that have become a part of you for so long. 

Even if you do get hurt in the process, be at peace … Rohi, the chiseler is also Rapha, the healer.

PS: If I get the author’s permission to share her notes on my blog, I will.

The downward callingΒ 

Hello, friends.I had this discussion with a precious friend a while back. With her permission, I decided to share it here so others could pick a few things. 

As usual, any information that could identify her or her circumstances have been altered.

Do enjoy.

​Letty: Good evening PD sir! Please, do we have any our church people that’s a caterer in Abuja?

PD: Caterer? None that I know of. You’re considering Abuja?

Letty: PD. Lemme tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truthπŸ™ŒπŸ½

Hmmmmmm…….. Recently, I ve been battling with the idea of leaving Ibadan. I honestly would love to stay here for many reasons I really can’t mention … But my hubby is here becauseI don’t wanna leave.

Plenty atimes I feel selfish.

But its a pressing burden, I initially didn’t pray about it because there was no need (in my heart), but when I chose to, it wasn’t as troubling as I thought.

My hubby doesn’t like teaching, he has ALWAYS wanted to leave. Wanted to do a Masters so he could be a lecturer just before the wedding. I even threatened to leave him back then πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆ.

Looking back, I have been very selfishπŸ™ˆ

I’m determined to let him have his way this time. If I no like am, I carry my load come backπŸ˜€.

While I’m thinking about leaving, I’m trying to find a place that I would best fit in. Abuja? Lagos?

Port Harcourt? AnywhereπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Let Oga have his way this timeπŸ˜‚

 His people would be my people afterallπŸ˜›πŸ˜πŸ˜œ

PD: And you’ve been married for how long?

Letty: 😬😬😬😬😬

7yrs by Dec 15th.

PD: And it took you this long to discover you were being selfish.

Letty: PD naaaa………….

PD: I’m not trying to nail you.

Letty: I have repented naaaa……….

 πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜“πŸ˜ͺπŸ˜₯😒

πŸ˜›πŸ˜πŸ˜œ … All the bad things I used to do, I do them no more.

PD: Yeah, it’s never too late to turn around.

Did your husband ever accuse you of being selfish at any point?

Letty: Never.

I love Ibadan. All my siblings know. Everyone knows.

PD: Fine, but were you called to love Ibadan or to love your husband?

Letty: Now, that made me laughπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚  

I was called to love my husbandπŸ™ŒπŸ½

PD: I may seem to be doing post mortem counselling but I want you to think of this well… If your roles had been reversed, would you have pointed out how selfish he was?

Nepa don take light…. πŸ˜’

Letty: No, was searching my heart.

PD: Not you, Nepa actually took light here.

Letty: Kk

I don’t think I would have told him that (not in those exact words) Even if i definitely would have ruminated over itπŸ€”πŸ€”

PD: Hmmmm… I suspect that you would have found a way to solve that problem.

Letty: True, I would have found a way.

PD: My point is, if it took you seven years to realise how selfish you’ve been and repented, then it has taken you the same time to realise how selfless your husband has been and you should thank him. 

Not trying to knock you, really.

Letty: Sometimes, we do.

Especially Letty. I need to be knocked @timesπŸ˜€

PD: Well, I don’t know if I’m tall enough or have a hammer big enough to make a mark on your hard head but… Well… there is God.

Letty: It doesn’t have to be physical sometimes.

Funny enough I had declare a Solomon 2:3 week starting today.

I most definitely would thank him for being selfless.

PD: Good.

Letty: To think he had encouraged me to pass my catering school exams, through part 1, proposals for part 2 and just sat there watching me excelπŸ˜“πŸ˜ͺπŸ˜₯😒.

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

You should have seen his joy when I told him I was ready to give leaving Ibadan a try 😊

PD: When we talk in church at times and we knock men, these are the things I consider and try to to draw our attention away from our determination to make guys look like… well, bad guys… for expecting submission from their wives.

I have noticed that, nowadays, any man with a good head ends up living life the way his wife wants it lived and not the other way around like it seems it used to be.

Letty: You’re at the risk of being misunderstood. What meaneth thou? 

Oh, ok, I get you. 

Shouldn’t it be like the days of old? πŸ™ˆ

PD: Depends on how old the days you’re referring to are.

It used to be, Mr Man, you’re the head and that used to be a good thing but now it seems like it’s bad to think like that cos we immediately think of all the million things that could go wrong… meaning, not done the wife’s way because hubby is a power drunk tyrant.

Letty: I have considered myself as “submissive” I could be wrong though. Could just be reasoning this submission matter with my own understanding. 

But would not wanting to leave Ibadan, even if he knew this from day one, be regarded as “unsubmissive”?

PD: You knew he wanted to leave, and you dug your feet in the rocks and said “I shall not be moved”… Do you think you submitted?

Letty: I still believe in a man being the head, and using veto power when needed sha.

Except I’m wrong, or, I’m not doing it the way God wants.

But He knew this before we married naaa.

PD: Please, we’re just bouncing thoughts o, I’m not trying to knock you o.

Letty: Even if you were; I will forgive you.

I knew he wanted to leave, he knew I didn’t want, I opted out of the relationship if he wouldn’t be in Ibadan. 

I honestly didn’t think I was doing something wrong. @that time sha

PD: OK. I guess he chose staying with you over chasing his dreams. Men, no be today we start. You know it’s the same thing Adam did, right? If he had done what was expected, he wouldn’t have eaten the fruit and Eve would have died alone.

Anyway, here is what I think it should look like: God sets direction for man to follow and woman ensures he stays on course. That way, she gets to arrive at where God meant for her as well.

Letty: Lol, so, what are you stylishly telling me?

PD: That he loved you.

Letty: Hmmmm……

I have always known that.

The way you are saying it now, its like, I never understood how see his love was/isπŸ™Š

PD: Yeah, ladies don’t really get how much they are loved because no matter how hard a guy tries, he can’t package his emotions into words like a woman can.

Letty: Certainly can’t. πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”

PD, you are so wise!

I should call you “the wise one”.

PD: 1Tim 1:17 Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, *the only wise God*, [be] honour and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Letty: How come it took me this long to realise my hubby had been selfless?

And I am busy looking for the city that best suites me, when the guy eye dey Abuja since … plus he knows exactly what he wants.

PD: Now, here is what I want you to practice doing from now on. When your husband proposes a move, give him your support verbally and with all body language. Let him know you support him, but then, find out if he prayed about it. Let him know you want to pray about it for God to give both of you clear directions on what to do.

Letty: πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ

Ama do just that.

PD: I hail the future of your marriage.

Letty: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Guess I understand submission better.

PD: If that is what you got out of this chat, God don win.

Letty: Yes, He wins again.

PD: Have a good night, my sister.

Letty: Kk.

Permit me to share our conversation in a Christian women forum.

I think I have to make the women know I have erred, and set a kinda example.

They kinda think I’m a perfect woman. That ain’t too good you know.

PD: Well, I have often said that being a leader is not just about showing what to do but also showing how to do it and that includes how to repent and get back up.

Letty: My leader sir!

Once again, you have spoken correctly.

PD: I was going to ask much later for your permission to blog it, of course adjusting elements that reveal your identity while maintaining the gist.

Letty: Permission granted. Aa long as you send me the link.

Wanna read the story too😊

PD: I always do.

PD: Ehn? When did I become your leader?

Letty: Once a leader, always a leader. Accept the assurance of my highest regard.

PD: Choi! Na my head you dey break all this oyinbo?
Letty: Lol. Your girl is loyal.

PD: Abeg o, Sista, sleep is catching my eyes … Only my eyes o.

Letty: Goodnyt sir

PD: Good night ma
Some days later…


Letty: Good morning.

PD: Wellllll … So how did your Songs of Solomon week go?

Letty: 😊 good. Thanks for asking.

We also went to the cinema twice this week.

PD: You took him out to the movies?

Letty: 😁

PD: Well, that’s not something you see every day, is it?

Letty: 😁

Skeletons with nine lives?

Hi. It’s been a while. I’ve been a little busier than usual. A dear friend asked me last night why I had not published anything for a long time so I dug around some stuff I was saving for such a time and found this.

My wife and I are part of a lovely vibrant WhatsApp group where we discuss lots of stuff. This is one of such discussions from a while back. I retained the original “pidgin English” to facilitate the flow in which it was original created. 

Do, please enjoy.

Lee: Good evening brethren.

PD: Lee, the invisible. How far?

Lee: Good evening PD. I’m good.  Just chilling 

PL: Hello Our able minister of welfare?

Lee: 😳When was I appointed? 

Good evening PL.

Lee: Ehen, I have a question 😊 How much is too much? To what extent should Intending couples talk about their past life? ‘past life’ being previous abortions, ex-es, sexual escapades etal.

PL: Now, Lee is around 😁😁😁

Waka pass no fit you.

Lee: πŸ˜‚πŸ’¦πŸ˜‚πŸ’¦πŸ˜‚πŸ’¦

PL: This question carry bele o.

Lee: Yes oh! No be small bele. I have someone faced with this challenge.

PL: I think as much as possible but timing is important; At what stage you should tell is the issue.

I believe in full disclosure but if the intending spouse can’t handle your past, then I wonder if the person can handle your future cos something from the past may just creep up and an explosion Will be inevitable.

Lee: Is this always the case? Aren’t something’s better unsaid?

If a ladty didn’t suffer damage to her womb while aborting and before she got born again, irrespective of the number of times. Isn’t there now no condemnation for her? 

Na question I dey ask oh!

PL: I think the guy has a right to know what he is getting into

Lee: Hmmmm………

If said too early, wouldn’t it be a bit awkward, and if left for much later, wouldn’t it be manipulative?

PL: If too early, you may risk telling an unserious person your secrets which may end up badly and too late is not good either.

I think as you go into a relationship, you will notice that the level of commitment deepens so choose when to tell the person your past and do it in such a way that the person is given the choice to continue or not. I don’t agree with telling the person after official introduction that 10 abortions have been done😁

Sim: Hallelujah!
Lee: Assuming it’s one guy that got her preggers 10 times, shay?
PL: Whether one guy or five.
Sim: 1 guy can’t. Lets say 20 guys! 
Lee: πŸ˜‚πŸ’¦πŸ˜‚πŸ’¦Be careful my friend.

Lee: If you tell am just before introduction e no go say why you come tell am when you know say e don serious? Like you waited for him to love you pieces before you talk.

PL: That is why I said as the relationship is getting serious please talk. This world is a small place o. What if the guy responsible shows up in future and just decides to make her life miserable. I think the guy has a right to know what he is getting into. 

Lee: What he is getting into abi what she was up against in the past?

PL: Getting into in the sense that she chooses to marry a lady who has done abortions and may suffer consequences of her actions.

Sim: Anything that is messy talk oo… DSS still dey work.

Lee: I remember one time in school back then, a guest preacher said “some things are better left unsaid” he was referring to issues of the past.

PL: I know people believe different things but I think full disclosure is better. If the guy backs out then I think he is not ready to handle your life. If he is the one that says he doesn’t want to know, fine.

Lee: Full disclosure, is it for the fear that  some things might come back to “haunt” her, or is it that it is scriptural?

PL: My dear,some things can come o. You no go believe. 

Sim: Like wiliwili.

PL: LOL. 

Lee: Na im I dey talk so.

After all, a man that didn’t marry a virgin should know someone else had been there before. 

So, why should she tell him she had 10 men there before. Is it that the 10 men would show up and worry her life someday?

PL: When I say full disclosure, it is not as if she will write a list of every guy that has done something but tell him this is the kind of life I lived and so on.

Lee: Ok

Now to what extent again? 

Eg, I had boyfriends in the past and I have had to abort before?

PL: I believe it is about trust.

Lee: I know of someone whose “intending husband” referred to her womb as a graveyard. It hurt back then, but they eventually married sha.

PL: And she married him? She try.

Sim: It is❀ Like Jacob

Lee: Sim be careful. 😑

I may just send you to the naughty corner.

PL: He he he.

Lee: She regretted ever mentioning it to him. Funny enough he never mentioned or raised the issue again after that incident. They have been married for about  several years now. The man claimed he was “upset”.

PL: Ok, they made up … which is good. The man will not have any reason to not trust her cos she was truthful.

Lee: You may be right. She fit don forgive, but she never forgot.

PL: But at least, he apologized, forgave her and was willing to move forward. She too should forgive him for his reaction. He could have called her that and still walked away.

Lee: Is it just a woman sef? Why is it that it is always a woman that has something to say? No be man give the woman bele? 

Ehen, shouldn’t men confess previous assisted abortions? 

Abi are we always doing this to ourselves? 

#ranting.

PL: It is not just woman o. It applies to both. You sef ,cool down. You and women liberation.

Lee: Women liberation πŸ˜‚πŸ’¦πŸ˜‚πŸ’¦πŸ˜‚πŸ’¦

I just feel women have been cheated for too long jare.

PL: .so now , we should pound men? It goes both ways.

Lee: Nope, we should empower women.

Mee: Which women? Hebrew womenπŸƒπŸ»β€β™€πŸƒπŸ»β€β™€πŸƒπŸ»β€β™€πŸƒπŸ»β€β™€

Lee: Come back oh!πŸ˜‚

PL: Empower them to fight men😬😬😬

Sim:  With guns?

Lee: Empowering doesn’t necessarily mean fighting men Na. Fight man ke? You fit? Who e epp?

PL: Lolzzzz … Nobody jo.

Lee: Anyway, it’s just that men expect to here a story if she’s not a virgin, and think it’s perfectly normal and excusable when they are not.

PL: It goes both ways. It is about building trust, not just for women. How about sexually transmitted infections? Hepatitis is there. HIV and so on.

Lee: Chai!!!!!! I really didn’t /don’t mean health related issues oh! It would be wicked not to tell an intending one had HIV or the like. What I was referring to was more of “non-health” related issues that may not have any direct effect to the couple.

PL: Abortion get effect o. It’s all about trust. No be only bele. If he has a child, he should also declare. 

Lee: Yep.

Some things no dey hide

Ehen, that reminds me.

I heard of someone that called off her wedding 2days to. It was her bridal shower. Omo, babes don buy gifts prepare for shower parry, only for one babe to show up with a baby she claimed her fiance fathered. 

On inspection, baby looked like family, with further investigation, it was true. Sharply she called off the wedding. She was brave, I commended her.πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wingman: 😳

Lee: Why shineth thou thine eyes?

Wingman: I’m practicing eye shining.

PL: Choi!

If the guy had opened up earlier, maybe she could have decided to continue cos it is a lot to take in and accept. The other woman and her child will always be a part of their lives. She has to be able to make that choice

Amy: In this matter, I think it should be on a “Need to know basis”- start by sticking to the summary and depending on the depth of relationship. You must however not lie or refuse to disclose answers the partner seeks to make their choice….. some people  find graphic details hindering than helpful, others like to know everything  (just like some like to know baby’s sex before birth while others like to be surprised). 

Jesus simply said  “you have had five husbands”.

PD: Picking up the thread… Please, I use the male pronoun as the universal pronoun. I do not by it indicate one gender versus the other. It’s just easier to express your thoughts without having to dance around the “he or she” lines. 

The issue at hand is not the details of escapades. In the process of full disclosure, you might breakdown the proposed person’s capacity to remain committed even if his initial commitment was genuine. 

As PL said, it’s about trust not just prophylaxis against possible future explosions. We are not what we used to be or do but the records are there, sometimes the scars as well. 

There are some people you meet and you know there is nothing you tell them will shake their commitment, even if it initially breaks them emotionally, they will eventually rally and continue unfazed. But then there are others who do not fit this description. It’s just the fact of life. 

As you get involved, watch for the signs that might point you to what category this person belongs to. How do you know? I guarantee you would know it when you see a difficult to please and unforgiving person. Plus, you have the Holy Spirit with you. 

Quite sadly, too many Christians go through their relationships without involving the one person who is out for their utmost good at all costs and at all times – The Holy Spirit. Please, be open to the Spirit of God. Let Him raise alarm or breathe peace as the case may be. 

Anyway, once you determine that your spouse is not the type who lets go, please let him go. There are things worse than being single for another year or two. Sadly, also, too many of us live in fear like the world do. “Guys are hard to come by o, if I lose this one, who knows when I’ll get another one?” or the converse “I’ve invested so much into this girl, I can’t lose all that”. If you want your relationship to work and result in a marriage that brings you peace, you better look well before you cross. It’s better to have 50 years of blissful marriage than 60 years of tension from sitting on a keg of explosives every time someone walks past with a naked flame. Let go, let God. 

Now, if you find that the guy is forgiving, don’t take it for granted and just dump on him. Assess the relationship, before you expose your skeletons. If he’s just hanging out and saying nothing, you also keep shut. You don’t need to be telling your story to every nice guy who shows interest even if they won’t spread it. 

If you think he’s getting serious, then sit him down and talk seriously. But again, don’t dump on him like “boom”! 

If you light a fire and put all your wood at once, the flame will burn so high and so hot it might burn your whole house down. Instead, put the wood into the fire in bits. Let the environment adjust to the new information. When it stabilises, bring in the next information. It’s called *systematic desensitisation*. It’s sometimes used to manage some clinical conditions. 

How it goes is that you gradually expose a person to increasing levels of the distressing factor till he adjusts to it and functions in spite of it like any other person would. It is a difficult, traumatic and time taking process but you do it because the distressing factor is unavoidable in life especially after exhausting other avenues but if managed carefully, trust is built and the patient follows you through the process. It is the same in our context. 

Say, for example, brother has a string of previous sexual partners and a child already by one of them. He shouldn’t just drop it on the proposed spouse like that. When he judges it necessary, he can start by letting her know that he has a sexually active past. Let her adjust to that first. Of course, she will press for more information right away, don’t give it; let her chew on it. “I’ll give you whatever information there is to know about me but I want you to think about this one first and decide if you wish to continue or not. If you do, I’ll be most fortunate because, I do want to be with you but if you don’t, I’ll understand and won’t hold it against you”. Prayerfully try such a line. 

It is ungodly, in my opinion, to make her swear not to walk away before you tell her what is right for her to know. That’s manipulation and guilt tripping; it’s evil. Be mature enough to know that your past life has consequences which you might have scaled over but would still be difficult for others to swallow. When Paul initially got saved, Holy Ghost filled and hunted by other persecutors, the Apostles in Jerusalem had a hard time believing and accepting him and it wasn’t because they were not filled with the Spirit themselves. 

Let’s get back to our brother. So, say Sister took it well and decided to stay, then you can let her know you had a string of girls. Again, let her chew on it. If she swallows it and seems to be doing well, then you can inform her of the complication of a son. If she takes it well and maintains her love for you, I believe you too will see the trust between you has grown, your relationship is past the stage of infatuations, obsessions and emotions and then you have the makings of a great future with her.

Most likely, she will feel obliged to open up to you at that level but please, ensure she is not doing so because she now feels she owes you and wants accounts to be balanced but because she too wants to earn your trust like you have earned hers and put everything on her plate on the table, including the burnt toast. 

Please, please, pleeeeeeeease, there is no need to detail all the locations and sexual styles you engaged with those women; that will only amount to torment as potentially everywhere you go with her and everything you do with her will bring those records to the surface each time. 

But there is still one more bridge to cross. At some point, she has to realise that you cannot abandon that child. It’s not the child’s decisions that put him in that situation but yours, so it’s not fair to make the child suffer for a wrong he didn’t commit. If she commits to caring for the child with you, then sometime before you start running family binding things like introduction, let the two of them meet, your child and intended wife, I mean; let them bond. When that’s done, you may wish to let the two women meet. That removes the threat of blackmail and such from the equation. 

Of course, it’ll be stupid to now allow the Ex, who’s the mother to your child, to become part of your family and determine what happens as regards anything that does not concern her son. It’s one thing to be part of your life, it’s quite another to be part of your family. And, remember, Sarah brought up what she once considered a good way to help her husband but later it became a source of pain for her so always be on the watch for such occasions with your wife because they will come. It doesn’t mean she has lost trust or faith in you, it just means life throws curveballs once in a while and you might miss some. It also means,  the devil is still around. In the perfect Eden, the snake was there.

If this is done successfully, you have done two things: you have defused all bombs,  and you have bought yourself the right to be trusted. 

Trust is not just a two way street. In this scenario, it’s a single rope bridge connecting two high cliffs across a river of molten lava (too much Indiana Jones… 😁). It takes some level of commitment to want to come across such a bridge when life altering risks are involved. Do your best to make that choice easy for the other person; There is no need to keep the phone numbers of all your Exes… if you want to be trusted, provide evidence of trustworthiness. 

The same thing applies to medical conditions that you might be dealing with, whether acquired as bad consequences of a bad lifestyle or inherited with the rest of your body makeup from your parents. 

So, as to whether it’s a matter of preventing future debacles or whether it’s the right thing to do, I thinks it’s both. You have a right to know but you don’t need to wave that over her head like a hammer waiting for the slightest reason to drop. Some bits of our past may be difficult for us to remember without some measure of shame or guilt and might thus be difficult to talk about, not because we are hiding it. So give her the chance to build the trust bridge to the point where it can bear the weight of this particular stuff in addition to the two of you. After all, you have decided to love her unconditionally, so why demand her pay for it. 

Of course, it becomes a whole different ball game if you think deceit is involved. I counsel this, walk in trust, not *suspicion*, until she or the Holy Spirit gives you reason not to.

Sorry for such a long post, guys.

​THE PASTOR WHO TAUGHT THE MARRIED ABOUT PRAYER

Benson and his wife don’t sit next to each other during Church services.
Even when going to Church services, they go in different vehicles; and when they travel in the same car, it is usually a very quiet and uncomfortable ride.
Benson sat at his usual spot in the Church service; the fourth line on the far left row. His wife sat on the center row.
The Pastor took to the podium.
*”Husbands, stop wasting your time praying”* the Pastor began.
The congregants got alarmed. No one expects to hear a pastor saying prayer is a waste of time.
I am not here to discourage you to pray, but to encourage you to pray right.
Husbands, stop wasting your time praying if you are not treating your wives well.
The Word says that when you treat your wife badly, it hinders your prayers. Men, you claim to be prayerful.
You come to church driving your expensive cars, giving your offerings and tithes, active in Church, some of you are Church leaders; but how are you treating your wife?
You may look good to us Church members, but it is your wife and children that know who you truly are” said the Pastor.
Benson turned to face his wife. She looked at him. Benson could see her eyes.
Her left eye swollen from the blow he gave her last week when she confronted him about his alcoholism, pornography use and mischievous behavior.
People couldn’t tell she had a black eye because of the make up she had on, so well done.
The Pastor continued, “People have perfected the art of cover up. Here in Church, so many are hurting but you wouldn’t know.
People come here wearing their nice clothes, shiny smiles, they are active in ministry but hurting a lot in their marriage. 
“We have become numb and plastic, brushing things under the carpet. But today we shall heal; and shall address those wounds we hide.”
The Pastor cleared his throat and continued, “Many of those who are hurting their spouses are using the church to hide. 
They think that because they give offering s and tithes, because they make public prayers, because they read the Word or because they hold a Church leadership position that they are right with God. God is also interested in what you do in your marriage and in your family. 
“Your first ministry is your home. Stop trying to blackmail God with your service in Church yet you are mean and hurtful towards your spouse.”
Many of the members of the congregation got restless and unsettled.
The Pastor continued, “Many of those who are being hurt by their spouse hide their pain and want to project an image that all is well to validate that they are blessed and in control.
Some of you are active in Church to run away from the pain in your marriages”.
The congregation was silent. Some straightening their ties, others fidgeting with their Bibles, adjusting their sitting position. 
This pastor was preaching truth and it was uncomfortable.
The Pastor continued, “The husbands are not the only ones guilty here… Wives, don’t you know the Word says when your husband found you he found good virtuous woman and you brought favour? 
Then why are you the source of your husband’s headache and stress? Have you been so toxic that you have turned your prayerful husband into a prayer-less one? 
Do you make him regret marrying you because you bring more complications than he had before marrying you?
How you treat your husband can be a stumbling block in his walk with God or an environment that encourages growth. 
Many of you wives married your individual husbands primarily because of their relationship with God, so why are you now destroying their relationship with God instead of celebrating and nurturing it? 
Why are you being a burden to your husband emotionally, spiritually, socially, sexually and financially instead of being one who brings favour?”
Benson’s wife looked at her husband. Benson looked at her, and she looked away.
The Pastor paused to drink his glass of water.
The Pastor continued, “When I am thirsty, I drink a glass of water.
When your spouse gets thirsty, will you allow God to use you to bless your spouse? 
You’ve been told many sermons that focus on you as an individual, that God will make you prosper as an individual.
I am here to tell you your blessings are tied to people, you are blessed to be a blessing to others. Our God is not an individualistic God.
Your blessing is tied to your marriage, your family. It’s not about you; it is about Jesus and Jesus is about love. 
What good is it to prosper and be successful when you have no love? It is all vanity.
God cares about your family, how you treat your spouse and children”
Silence.
“Yes, we pray. But what kind of prayers does your spouse pray because of you?
When your spouse prays, is it largely to cry to God because of the hurt you bring?
Is it to plead with God to change you from the monster you’ve become? 
Is it to plead for grace to deal with how difficult you are? Or is to give thanks for you?”
Silence.
“Are you really prayerful? Do you really value prayer?
Then why is it that many of you find it easy to come to us pastors for us to pray with you as an individual, you find it is easy to pray in public, in a Church service or Bible study, but find it so hard to pray with your spouse? 
Isn’t that telling of what is going on in your marriage? Don’t you know that the more you pray with your spouse the stronger your marriage will be? 
But how can you find it easy to pray with a spouse you hurt or who hurts you?”
The Pastor paused and looked at the congregation. Eyes staring at him.
“I challenge you. I challenge you to pray with your spouse and to treat your spouse well.
Husbands, you are the head of the home. I challenge you to stand up and go to where your wife is and pray with her as a start of a more prayerful chapter in your marriage.
Don’t do it because I asked you to but because you want to. Your choice”
One by one, the husbands present stood up.
Benson stood up too. 
Benson walked to where his wife was. 
The face of Benson’s wife overwhelmed with love, she looked on as her husband walked to her. 
She almost stood up but he gave hand gestures at her to stay seated.
Benson reached where she sat. Their eyes met.
Benson knelt down. He stared at her then kissed her swollen left eye.
“I am sorry” he said.
“Can I pray with you?” He asked.
She got up from her seat and knelt down too.
There, on the floor as the Church service was still ongoing, husbands prayed with their wives. 
Benson prayed kneeling with his wife.
They prayed for forgiveness, for thanksgiving, for love, for renewal, for peace, for direction; for their marriage.
Marriages were healed. 
I wished someone is blessed by message and that  marriage at the verge of being breaking is saved.

I came across this story and thought to share it with you.

#randomstories

​Father’s Day: The Father Won’t Let Go.

Father’s Day: The Father Won’t Let Go


Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house.  In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out of the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.  He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.  Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a u-turn to swim to his father.
It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. An incredible tug-of-war between the two began. The alligator was much stronger than the father but the father was much too passionate to let go, and dug his nails into the little boy’s arms.
A farmer driving by heard the screams of the child, and after retrieving a rifle from his truck, raced to the water’s edge and shot the alligator. Remarkably, after weeks in the hospital, the little boy recovered.
The local newspaper reporter interviewing the boy after the trauma asked if he would show him his scars.  The little boy lifted his pant legs and said, “These are the scars from where the alligator tried to pull me under the water.”  Then, he rolled up his shirt sleeves and said, “Now look at my arms.  These are the scars where my father wouldn’t let me go.”
Each of us is marked.  Yes, there are scars we bear in our lives because of poor choices we have made.  But if we look closely, there are other marks we have incurred, where a loving sovereign God has refused to let us go.  At the time, His grip of grace may seem painful, but it is all for our protection, so that we may be preserved to live, and testify of His tender mercies that He reveals to us with each new day.

John 10:28  “. . . neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.”

I came across this story and decided to share it because it blessed me.

#randomstories